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[blank]How do you define good manners?
During my brocante and guest cottage season, good manners are the well-oiled wheels that make everything run smoothly.
We receive guests from all over the world. They arrive with their suitcases; with their plans and projects; with their differences and similarities ….. and – lucky me! – they all arrive with a smile and a bucket load of charm and good manners.
For me, good manners means respect and consideration of others; respect for their privacy; anticipation of what they may need or want; a positive attitude and a sunny disposition.
Manners have taken many an unexpected turn with the age of social networking on the internet. We used to say it was impolite to call anyone after 9 pm, but have you noticed how that has changed with texting and messaging,? anything goes 24/7! Or the code of conduct for using mobile phones? Turning them off in restaurants, conducting loud conversations on a packed commuter train …..
And have you noticed how the difference between public and private information is becoming blurred; I always thought that protecting ones own privacy and respecting the privacy of others was part of good manners too …. today it is easy to lose sight of the boundary line.
Facebook tracks our every movement; many people enjoy sharing pictures of their family and kids, of their home and holidays on line; your smartphone knows where you are at any moment and it is alarmingly easy to intrude upon someone’s intimacy.
It seems to me that it is vital for each generation to learn about respect.
My youngest son plays rugby, he is part of a team here with an outstanding coach who believes that respect is key in every aspect of life. Rugby is a rough game physically, but while the boys may pummel each other on the pitch, the notion of mutual respect is essential. Bad language or disrespectful behaviour will see a player taken out of the game. [blank]
[blank]If the coach hears that a player has misbehaved at school during the week, he takes the boy aside at the mid-week training session and explains that he won’t be selected to play for the weekend match … but he’ll come along to carry the team refreshments and encourage his team from the sideline! Disappointing your coach is a far worse punishment than writing lines at school!
So in this modern world how do we teach our children good manners? Is it for us to adapt, to say “well we used to do things that way, but now its al-right to do it this way”, or are there basic principles that never change?[blank]
[blank]Are good table manners still essential? Are children always taught how to hold a knife and fork? Do they still learn the art of polite and interesting conversation around a table? Or is that old school today?
If you have young children, how does their school teacher help them with good manners? And if you have grandchildren, do you sometimes feel bemused by their ‘new rules’?
Please tell me what you think, I’d love to know.[blank]
sign by E&L designs
65 comments
Yes, I agree with you that good manners are essential, even in this electronic age. I find more and more people using their mobile phones while at lunch with friends, choosing to talk to others not present rather than with the friends present.
But, here it is in the middle of the night in the USA and I'm on the computer writing you a comment. I feel safe in doing that because you are free to choose when you read it, much like a letter that is written in the middle of the night, but the recipient reads much later.
Thank you for writing posts that address timely issues in a gracious way.
Judith
I have a coworker that thinks it is okay to discuss anything that is on the internet. He did his research and then went to a job interview. He inquired about the president of the company’s wife and children. He asked how they were doing in school and his wife’s charity; after all it was on the internet. Obviously he did not get the job. When he told me what he had done I gasped. He asked me what he did wrong. I tried to explain to him how inappropriate that would be, that the interview was for him to reveal his credentials not the other way around. He said he thought I was wrong because it was public knowledge. It was on the internet.
Well said Sharon! One of the things I still insist my ten year old do, is to write a personal note when thanking someone for a gift, or gesture where the situation is of such that it requires a special " thank you"
Not so long ago I hated "good manners". To me it meant rules for rules or for social recognition. "Where is the point?" I was asking myself. But I'm changing and I like more and more good manners when they are justifyed but respect for others and pleasure for everyone. I really like your definition of good manners 🙂 !
the-dancing-skeleton.blogspot.fr
Well said, nice matters manners matter so sad everyone does not think so or practice
I think it's very important to teach children good manners, but unfortunately many parents are not doing that. I'm a school teacher. We do try to teach manners, but if it's not reinforced at home, we're fighting a losing battle.
What I learned was called 'common courtesy.' Manners were just a part of it like not wiping your mouth with your sleeve. That really doesn't affect anybody but me, but it is not good manners. Common courtesy is how one acts around and toward others, even strangers. When we were young, we would never even have thought of contradicting someone older than us (an elder.) Today, it seems, there are no boundaries. If you would like to be appalled, just visit a school cafeteria. Great post, I couldn't agree more.
JoeyLea
https://thelocustblossom.blogspot.com/
When my children were young I could take them anywhere and they behaved appropriately {at times better than some adults}. My Daughter wants my Granddaughter to be a free spirit and express herself – BUT, she ensures that manners are always observed. Many times while we are out strangers comment on how well mannered {and outgoing} my Granddaughter is. She is about to turn three years old and thankfully has a good start.
I wish restaurants would ban phone use at dining tables – both talking and keyboarding. Don't you find that people talking on cell phones speak far too loud?
I just came from a lunch in a small restaurant where the couple next to use spent more time on their phones than talking to each other … I simply don't get it!
thank you for stopping be, have a lovely weekend Judith
That is amazing!! so where did his education go wrong for him not to understand the nuance?!
have a lovely weekend M,
I am all admiration Colette, mine still write to say thank you for a birthday or christmas gift; and I have noticed that my daughter sends spontaneous thank-yous by facebook message, which is still appreciated
warmest wishes on their way to you in south Africa
Like I said, "the well-oiled wheels" that make everything easier
thank you for stopping by
It is worrying that they are becoming less important today
x
Of course you can't achieve much without the support of the families, I admire you for trying Laura
Oh yes, I agree with you and good manners makes our lifes much more easier !
I was just talking with someone the other day about how there is a lack of good manners in the world today. I think it is appalling how many people act: talking on cellphones (and even worse, while driving); in shops clerks do not pay attention to customers; addressing people by their first names instead of Miss or Mrs or Ms, I could go on and on. Sometimes I do think that some of the old ways are best.
Have done many tours to Europe with a group. One rule about who would not be accepted on the trips, no 'high maintenance' people. They were politely told, "trip is full."
They are easy to spot, always demanding and it's all about them. Manners.
Garden & Be Well, XO Tara
Good manners were taught to us as children and we pass them on to our children. My daughter is 34 she has found her manners again she turns off her mobile when she comes to visit. My son is 15 and I can't fault his manners yet..give him time he's still young. We have tried to give them a solid foundation and hope no matter what they remain good citizens. I think the media needs to take some of the responsibility for their behaviour it's become very intrusive. The obsession with actors and royal family and that baby bump (cringe) the excuse these people are public property. What does that mean? Have a beautiful spring weekend. Regards Esther from Sydney.
Manners = Respect
I speak to and treat those around me with respect and I expect the same in return. I have noticed an element of "temporary", you'll never see that person again or it is a faceless voice on the phone, any number of excuses but those are all poor rationals for impolite behavior.
Children learn from those around them, those that they spend the most time with… is it their parents, teachers or (shutter) movies or even worse is reality TV? Another reason why parents must be aware of where and what their children are doing and who are their influences.
Great discussion Sharon
http://www.OneFootinFrance.blogspot.com
Linda
Bravo to your sons Rugby coach! Really, I was impressed. Here in California, USA I am sad to say the couches thrive on bad language and disrespect. They seem to feel it's a right of passage to manhood. Not so, I disagree strongly. My son is 16, a good athlete and scholar. He is also respectful and polite. And I will say through the years the couches will look down on him, or look at him with suspect until they know him, as if he is week. I believe here in America we look to our professional athletes, when they really should not be upheld for behavior. We have lost our compass. Even our President pitches race against race, even though he has been elected twice. And in contrast my sons closes friends, four of them, are of different races. So it is a struggle to rise above it all. Isn't that what God would have us do! Thank you for a thoughtful post, and a lovely blog! Laurie'
Ever since my children could talk, I've emphasized the importance of good manners. Once when lunching at a neighbor's house and my son was handed his plate, I had to remind him to politely say "thank you." Our hostess responded with "that's ok, we're not big on please and thank you." My response was, "well, I am"! She was a physician, mind you!! I often wonder if my children listen to my constant nagging of using good manners, but whenever I speak to someone who has had contact with one of them either on the phone or outside the home, they always tell me how very polite they are! Well, at least I know they are listening – even if they don't practice at home!!!
I fight the never-ending battle of teaching manners to my children. I confess the 7 year-old twins are doing better than the 14 year-old boy. Sigh…. But! When the boy is at the home of others, I am told he is remarkably polite. I enforce table manners, insist on consideration for others, no texting at table, putting away cell phone during family time, etc. The teachers here reinforce the respect for others, thank goodness. Our family will being taking a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Europe this summer and I confess I'm a bit worried about my children's behaviour. The last thing I want to do be thought of as Ugly Americans! But my in-laws will be there, and with Gra-Maw also on the job, it should be OK.
You are so right Joey, "common courtesy" … and it takes so many forms. Even dressing nicely is a courtesy to others who have to look at us!
have a lovely weekend
x
I HATE phones in restaurants, zero tolerance !
xx
precisely, it just makes everything go more smoothly
xx
Calling customers by their first names is very anglo saxon, and certainly wouldn't happen in france … yet!
When I was at school we called our teachers by first name, but we still had the same respect for our teachers as when we were required to address them by their family names. Now I am a teacher myself and I always ask students to call me by my first name, rather than the ubiquitous “teacher”.
The way I see it, good manners are about respect, not about doing things in a certain way: different cultures have different ideas what are good manners. But if you are respectful of the others and the culture you’re in, you can’t go too wrong.
Spot them a mile away Tara,
have fun in your garden this weekend
xx
I'm sure you are right Esther, the celebrity culture does make it seem more acceptable to pry into peoples private lives
xx
You can't replace a family dinner or lunch for sharing and passing on good manners … everyone can do that if they try
x
Thank you Laurie, yes, we are very fortunate to have such a great sports team here, and we often tell them so!
Your sons behaviour will serve him well in the long run, especially when he hits the work place
xx
I've always been a stickler on table manners too; I told the children that when they went to friends houses for meals they would be judged on how they behaved. I think it is a lesson worth teaching 🙂
xx
Well Jennifer, we have had many many American visitors here and have been totally charmed by them all! It seems to me that you have a great tradition of good manners and mutual respect that I really enjoy.
I hope you have a wonderful trip
xx
J'ai reçu une éducation stricte avec les bonnes manières qui allaient avec. j'ai essayé de reproduire avec mes enfant cette même éducation. Un peu moins rigide, soit !
Un jour mon fils aîné m'a dit, tu sais maman, parfois je trouvais que tu exagérais en nous reprenant sans cesse. A table, tu nous disais, il faut tenir le couteau ainsi… etc.
Mais finalement tu avais raison ! Aujourd'hui, je sais que je peux aller dîner n'importe où, je n'ai aucun complexe.
Lui-même est outré par le comportement de certaines personnes.
L'abus des téléphones portables me dérange énormément… L'incivilité me perturbe au quotidien.
Une belle publication.
Gros bisous
Well said, Sharon. There is nothing more wonderful than having children arrive at your home and actually having proper deportment. We have so many nationalities living in all big cities, their cultural ways are so different than ours, and this is one of the main ways it shows. However, that being said, there are also many Americans who really have no idea how to behave properly. I volunteered to give "Etiquette" classes at our local library last summer, and there was a huge demand for this from the younger people.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for bringing this subject up! I am so tired of rudeness, crudeness, and obscene behavior passing for what goes in society now. Good manners is simply mutual respect. You may disagree with somebody, however you make your counterpoint with facts and figures-not hand gestures and aspertions on someone's heritage! Good manners go so far in taking the anger out of society. I am 42 and feel like I was sometimes born in the wrong era.
I'm glad to hear the stereotypical obnoxious American hasn't darkened your doors! Looking at your blog and photos, I would be thrilled to visit you! (My husband might be a bit afraid of what I'd want to take home, but he loves France as much as I. I show him your blog/photos and we ooooh and ahhhh together.) As for the trip, I will celebrate my birthday at Lago Maggiorre with my entire family; it cannot help but be wonderful!
Thanks for the work here; it's a great pleasure to read.
Jennifer
Hiya Sharon, on Saturday 5/4 the Kentucky Derby will be run in the States, one of the long shots is ~Normandy Invasion~. Shall I place a $2.00 bet to win for you?:)
Ah! The Lago Maggiore! Lucky girl, how I love to visit that region of Italy!
Thank you for your kind words about the blog
xx
C'est exactement ça Alison, pouvoir aller partout et être à l'aise car son sait se tenir
merci pour ton commentaire et bon weekend
xx
How I would have loved to be at your etiquette classes Marsha – you should give us a post about them on your lovely blog
xxx
But is that it? Is it really a question of good manners disappearing or are there still plenty of people who have learnt to show respect – I meet plenty every day
thank you for your comment, have a great weekend
xx
Of course you should!! Shall I send you the $2 by paypal? 🙂
xx
I was born and raised in a part of the US known as the "Old South" where old-fashioned good manners are taught from birth. One of the highest compliments a parent can get is to be told your child has lovely manners. Needless to say, my kids have good table manners, speak politely to their elders, hold doors for people, etc. When the kids were in their teens, we moved to a northern state where manners are given no importance. My son worked in a job where he regularly dealt with the public. One of his customers once commented on his good manners and he replied, "My mom is from the South." And the customer said, "That explains it."
I was raised to respect others, be polite, kind, considerate and all that are considered now old fashion rules. Having good table manners is very important. I try not to be judgmental of other people and how they behave unless they are obnoxious or outrageously rude. My m.o. is "do unto others"…and it keeps me in good stead with myself and with others.
Good manners were very important in my family. My mother always said that if you had good table manners, you would feel comfortable in any group. She used to rate my daughter out of 10 and when my daughter was 8, she took her to London "to visit the Queen". Not really. I find that in France, being respectful, polite and quietly-spoken are important qualities.
How kind! I told my son, big smiles! Xoxo
Its the details of our lives I think that in some respects make the impact. Its only once in a while the big picture matters. I loves these photos of the details.
You see, this is why I dislike mobile phones and social networking sites, they seem to encourage people to forget their manners…
And as for Twitter…
May I rant about one aspect of bad manners that really annoys me?
It's when strangers, especially on the phone, address me by my first name. "Can I call you Julia?" they will ask, fully expecting me to agree, and when I reply, "No, you may call me Ms Yeates" they are often at a loss for words, which is quite useful if they are cold-calling since I can simply add "Thank you for calling, goodbye" before they can recover.
manners = respect ..I totally agree with Linda
hate it when having lunch with girlfriends and half of them calls on their mobile phones, I now have banned those phones at lunch
as the saying goes " one lead by one's behaviour"
I'm a Nanny. When I'm interviewing for a new family, I tell the parents point blank that manners are of prime importance to me. The father of the last child for whom I cared told me that he knew he wanted to hire me as soon as I said that.
We can give children no better gift than that of good manners being second nature. I am saddened by the "casual" turn society seems to be taking.
Hello Sharon, I am a quiet follower of your blog and enjoy the gorgeous photos and reflections. lived in France when I was young and so it is very sweet to see life there through the lens you bring. I wrote a small piece on Manners, Courtesy and Gentle politeness for children on my blog https://www.celebratetherhythmoflife.com/2010/07/manners-courtesy-and-gentle-politeness.html
You raise so many good questions about social media and good manners, it seems to me that sometimes the cart goes before the horse with social media and we are learning as we go.
Technological instruments can be delightful (this from luddite) and at the same time we are more"connected" than ever, it feels like we are less connected to the people around us as a tech/media loving culture
Yet at the end of the day, I suspect good manners live inside all of us and we can help each other remember them with gentle invitations to be courteous
Good morning. I have two small little girls and more than anything, what I teach them everyday in word in deed are kindness and grace. Today, it seems children are reading a three years old and know their multiplication tables too, but they lack certain graces that make life more genteel and beautiful. While I do surround my girls with literature and art and nature, the most important lessons I hope to leave them with are to be aware and thankful for God's love and provision for them, to show kindness to those around them (respect) and to be polite little girls. The "thank yous" and the "may I be excuseds" I hope will set them apart and make their life more easy in this the age of the Kardashians. Oh! And also that everything tastes better on pretty plates and fresh flowers in the home elevate the humblest of spaces to thoughtful beauty.
Indeed. I feel like that when I go into a bank or other place of business and they feel familiar enough to address me by my given name. Thanks for this.
Yes, coaches. But many people in California have bad manners. I live here, too. It is appalling how people behave badly.
I see that many have commented already! As a grandmother…I see that you are absolutely correct with many of the younger folks I see around me not practicing basic common courtesy (especially with cell phones) when I go out to eat, shop in a grocery store, worship in church, drive on the road, or anywhere for that matter! Manners are today a rare commodity, and it's truly tragic. Thank goodness for YOU and others like you who understand their importance and want to do everything within your power to maintain and teach good manners! And YES, it does matter how you hold your fork and knife and how you chew and not to talk with food in your mouth…etc for these things are common courtesies of an educated well-mannered person that distinguishes him or her from the multitudes of the masses who, although having had opportunities, lack these graces and live only for the likes of egotism. You can be super educated and a billionaire but still lack class! It comes from the heart and awareness of others. You can be in dire poverty, never having had the chance to be educated or learn proper manners, but still have class. When we lose our manners, we lose our culture, and when we lose our culture, our civilization becomes decadent…and we all know what happened to the Roman empire. TEACH with LOVE is a good motto and teach that manners ARE important, VERY important!!
OH BOY!Thats my thing GOOD MANNERS!I was just talking with the check out clerk at Trader Joes!They donot exist anymore with the younger generation!They have no idea they are being rude when chatting on the phone everywhere!Recently, took a train to the airport here in San Franscisco and well, no one said ,"hello" or held a conversation with the person next to him.EVERYONE was looking down on to the phone!It was really quite funny and sad to me! We can be so social but yet when the person is right in front of us NOTHING!AS for table manners……….well, that is a lost art form!
Good manners are very important in our family. When we were little and about to go out for a meal we were told to behave so our parents were not looked upon badly. Now that I am a Mum, I have started to send out handwritten thank you cards on behalf of my son. When he is old enough he will write them himself like I did when I was little(I still do to my Grandparents-they wouldn't expect anything less.
Alison
YES, YES, AND YES! I am always asking the question "Where did good manners go?" Lack of respect in every catagory is rampant. It all begins in the home and with the 'femenist movement' came a whole truckful of bad things and the breakdown of the home was high among the negetives. Children need to be nourished not spoiled or neglected. Thank you for this post.
With gratitude,
Sylvia Faye
funny….. today I had my grandchildren all day…my granddaughter is almost three her big brother 6 & like all children it's nana can I have milk nana can I have chocolate(yes I spoil them just a little heehee ) but I have to say my heart does melt when my little granddaughter say ''PLEASE'' nana…. I have four children & Iam pleased to say they have & are passing good manners on to their children…yes the world needs love & good manners xxxx
My father was a feminist – he often spoke out on the rights of women and encouraged me to follow a university education and a career, but at the same time he and my mother were both sticklers for good manners and consideration for others. Being a feminist doesn't automatically make someone rude or bad mannered, but it should mean they will respect the rights of others and support especially the rights and lives of women. I'm so pleased that our son and DIL are bringing up their two little girls to love school and to develop both their minds and their hearts.
They treated my husband and me to a lovely weekend in the country to celebrate my birthday, including a special lunch at a French restaurant (in Oz). Never any mobile phones at the table and the girls without prompting had beautiful manners. When the waitress brought the 8 year old her lunch, she smiled at her and said "Merci" – she's learning French at school – she had realised this was the appropriate thing to say. A few years ago when she had a quarrel with her sister I took her aside afterwards and told her to try as much as possible to be kind and loving to her and to make some allowances for her as she was younger. That if she was, her sister would always be her friend all through their lives. She remembers this. I'm very proud of my son and DIL and their kindness and concern for others and the way they're bringing up their girls. On our return home we sent thank you cards to our son and DIL and one each to our little grand-daughters to thank them for a lovely weekend and for giving us such happiness. Firstly, because I just wanted to express my thanks, secondly because it also reinforces the importance of saying thank-you, even – and especially – to loved ones. Best wishes, Pamela
Respect for others is so important but it seems that manners and common courtesy are going by the wayside and it truly is a shame. We had friends visiting us for a weekend and they spent half of the time on their cellphones texting other people rather than carrying on a conversation.
There was good hope for Normandy Invasion, but alas 'twas not meant to be, our horse finished 4th…
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