our children and our dreams

by Sharon Santoni

[blank]Raising children, for anybody, anywhere is a wonderful adventure
that demands more of you than any professional role could ever do.[blank]

[blank]When they come into the world, before they even blink or take their first breath they are already carrying our projected image of their future life.  It is  natural for a parent to wish the best for their child and imagine the ideal, the impossible even.
Nobody has ever leant over a newborn in a cradle and said   “I’ll bet he’ll grow up unhappy”;   or “Looks like a failure to me “,  or “reckon he’ll grown up mean”!
No way!
When we gaze at a baby we feel sure that their future life will hold happiness, success, beauty and harmony.  We may not imagine them,  or even wish them,  to be multi-millionaires, or a future president of the country, but we do like to aspire for the best on their behalf.
As they begin to grow into toddlers, young children, teenagers we happily accept that maybe they are not top of the class, or do not have the perfect silhouette, or can’t sing in tune … hey! that doesn’t matter at all, we just love them more and more.[blank]
[blank]Then they get through their study years and start out in life as young adults.  And we start over.  It can be hard to stand back and say “this is your life honey, I’m sure you’ll make all the right decisions, you just go for it”.
It can be hard to drop our role as advisor and guide, to face the fact that they are allowed to do what they wish with their own life, and that actually in whatever their chosen domain may be, they probably know a bunch of stuff already, that we know nothing about.
As mum to four ‘children’ aged between 16 and 23, I find myself an ‘active spectator’, watching from the sidelines as several of my offspring start  their own lives .
A bit like when I used to watch my girls in their horse-jumping competitions.  I could help them prepare the pony, I was allowed to grease the leathers, and adjust the bridle, to polish their boots even, but once they crossed the start line they were out there on their own.
What they made of their competition was between them and their mount.  I could shout, encourage, hold my breath, gasp from behind the wooden fence, it didn’t make any difference:  it was their performance, their ambition and their call.
I’m not sure why I am writing this today.  Maybe because I’m spending so much time on the phone with daughters and sons living their first real adventures.  I am so flattered when they ask for my opinion.  So delighted when they call just to say how things are going.  So pleased that I am still invited to be part of their young and exciting lives.[blank]
[blank]I never had any specific idea of how my children would live their adult lives, I guess I just wanted them to be happy.
I don’t really mind if they work in an office, or if they get their kicks protecting the Amazon forest, or if they decide to risk their savings and start their own business and go it alone.
Life is a learning curve, for  children and for their parents.  As our children  learn to find their own way, so we learn to decipher each new direction and in the end I guess,  it is all about love…. and trust
So tell me please, how hard or easy have you found it to watch your ‘little ones’ take flight?  If you are happy to share your experience, I’d love to  hear how it went for you.[blank]
Thank you for reading me.
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All illustrations by one of my favourite impressionists, the French 19th century artist Berthe Morisot[blank]

44 comments

pve design October 3, 2013 - 3:16 pm

I think it is far easier to see our little birds take flight than it is to witness our parents or Grandparents age. There is nothing greater than the reward of seeing one's children age, prosper, make mistakes and still flap, flutter and create a nest on their own.
pve

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Marsha Splenderosa October 3, 2013 - 3:27 pm

The softly beautiful and evocative art works are perfection with your heart-felt story, Sharon. As both of my children are out on their own, both with their own families now, it is very satisfying to see them embrace all the responsibilities of life their own way. Neither of them do the same things I did, but they are both successful with what they're doing anyway. That is the most rewarding part, that they are making excellent decisions.

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Jill October 3, 2013 - 3:36 pm

I have tears in my eyes, this is such a gorgeous post! My son just started 6th grade and is now taking a NYC bus to his new middle school and it has been exciting, and a little bittersweet, to watch him start this next chapter in his life. If your children are calling you to tell you what's happening in their lives and asking for your advice I think you have done so well raising them! This is what I hope for one day too. I know we have a long way to go (and my second child is only 6, so even further to go with her), but your beautifully-written post has reminded me what I am working toward. And the addition of Morisot paintings couldn't be more perfect, I love her work! XO, Jill

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Katherine October 3, 2013 - 3:36 pm

My two children and I are very close. We have always had honest and deep conversations, so I think we are open to sharing just about anything with each other. Now as adults they still come to me for advise or to talk about their concerns and fears. I know that it eases their mind and it warms me to see that they value our discussions.
I have always said to them 'this is your story, the pages of your book are empty and waiting for you to write'. It is hard as a parent is to step back and let them write the page, but they deserve the opportunities.
This role – as Mom, is the greatest gift I've ever received.

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Clair Humphries October 3, 2013 - 3:46 pm

This really struck a chord with me, Sharon – I'm at the start of this adventure (my son is 9 months old). I love immersing myself in your depictions of home and a happy family life. I hope mine will be just as fulfilling.

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sharon santoni at my french country home October 3, 2013 - 3:52 pm

I think you are right Patricia, watching our parents grow older is often more difficult
xx

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sharon santoni at my french country home October 3, 2013 - 4:00 pm

I can feel the love and confidence in your words Marsha, thank you for sharing
x

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sharon santoni at my french country home October 3, 2013 - 4:02 pm

I remember that age so well Jill, it is so precious and every minute must be savoured ! 🙂
Glad you like the Morisot, she has such a feminine touch
x

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sharon santoni at my french country home October 3, 2013 - 4:02 pm

I love the image of them writing on empty pages, thank you Katherine

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sharon santoni at my french country home October 3, 2013 - 4:03 pm

9 months! How precious … enjoy! enjoy!enjoy!

xx

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The Bluestocking Belle October 3, 2013 - 4:29 pm

I just found your blog and am so glad I did. I still watch my youngest daughter, 12, in equine competition, and I can so relate to what you wrote about that.

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Emm October 3, 2013 - 5:03 pm

What a beautiful post. If your children are calling for advice and involving you in daily decisions, even from a distance, I'd say you did it right. You're a good mum, and lucky them.

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cocoquilts October 3, 2013 - 6:24 pm

We are so close in our journey with our kids as mine are 16 through 26. I have truly enjoyed watching my 4 children as they have grown through their stages, all so different! I am so touched and feel privileged when they include me in their adventures and I am excited to see where they go in life!! Wish it would slow down just a little! I could never have known how much love, heartache and true joy I would experience as a mother and wouldn't change anything! How lovely to feel so much love and so deeply!!

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Mary October 3, 2013 - 6:57 pm

Thank you, Sharon, for a beautifully composed blog today. The paintings took me back 32 years to when my daughter was in her cradle. Your words almost brought tears to my eyes, as well. Such a gift a child is and I am continuing to enjoy that gift every day. Many times I have remarked that I remember the movie, Born Free, and keep that memory of letting my daughter have the life she desires, as that is what I want for her and what my Mother wanted for me.

I have only recently (last 2 years, perhaps) discovered Berthe Morisot's softly painted impressionist work!

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kerrie of sea cottage October 3, 2013 - 7:39 pm

I have four children ages 17-23. So im in a similiar season in life as you. It has been alot harder than i thought it would be! The teen yrs for my two okdest were very difficult but now they they are out on their own working and in college there is peace again. And our two youngest remain at home while attending a local college and they are such joy. We dont want them to leave! Love is all that matters and even through the difficult days it prevails. We are very close with all of children and when they made mistakes we were there for them and they leaned on us We grew closer. I would say one of the most difficult things for me has been the popularity of tattoos. When my son began getting them it really affected me. He has alot of them and it was hard to accept. A test of love.

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kerrie of sea cottage October 3, 2013 - 7:44 pm

This post is so beautifully written with the art. The first painting was on my daughters birth announcements.

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sharon santoni at my french country home October 3, 2013 - 7:47 pm

Ah ha, so I bet you're up early on a Sunday morning and back late in the day having traipsed through mud all day … and love every minute of it? Or maybe your competitions are smarter affairs than our country one s here?

x

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sharon santoni at my french country home October 3, 2013 - 7:47 pm

Thank you Emm, I don't always feel like a good Mum, but I think that guilt just goes with the territory 🙂

x

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sharon santoni at my french country home October 3, 2013 - 7:48 pm

I think I'd be surprised at how many of my readers have just the same aged children as me, as you say, we are blessed.

x

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sharon santoni at my french country home October 3, 2013 - 7:49 pm

Thank you Mary for your kind words, I know nobody who doesn't love Morisot's paintings, very feminine
x

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sharon santoni at my french country home October 3, 2013 - 7:51 pm

Thank you Kerrie. I think that we are very protective of their 'bodies'. We have spent so many years making and tending them, and have tried so hard to make them as perfect and beautiful as possible, that we take any 'alteration' very personally. I woudl find tatoos hard to accept as well
Thank you for sharing your point of view

xx

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kerrie of sea cottage October 3, 2013 - 8:21 pm

Thank you Sharon for understanding. My son is very handsome and i am thankful that he chose a good tattoo artist to do all his artwork. And he chose tattoos that reflect his catholic faith. People like David Beckham have made it easier for me to get used to them. But most of all it is the beautiful person on the inside of my son that i love so much. He is a good person and well loved by so many people.

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Jonathan, Amy, Addison, Bennett, and Garrett October 3, 2013 - 9:15 pm

We are getting ready to welcome our fourth child in the next couple of weeks. It is an exciting time as we predict who he will look like and what kind of personality he will have. My mom is coming to stay with us for 2 months to help and I am so thankful that she is still such a big part of my life and the lives of our children. These days are hard with little ones, but I know that one day I will miss the days when I could fix any problem they have. Thanks for sharing today.

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Bonnie October 3, 2013 - 11:45 pm

Sharon, I love this post. Letting go has been the most difficult bridge I have ever been forced to cross. We raise them them to grow strong and take flight, and yet it is bittersweet. I am blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my daughter. A lovely and heartfelt post.

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mariondee-designs October 3, 2013 - 11:49 pm

I loved your post today..I have 3 children 15-24. I think the hardest part is when you can see something and they can't. You can only pray they take your advice and when they decide not to you have to take a step back and be accepting and patient with their decision and let them learn for themselves. It's hard being a parent. You want so much for them.. to be happy. I have learnt that all we can do is guide them in the right direction and be there for them if things don't work out. take care, Maryann

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Karen October 4, 2013 - 12:44 am

We have been blessed with happy, healthy adult children. Our sons have both married women we are thrilled to call our "daughters"-in-law. One lives close enough for us to see them regularly, the older lives about a 2-hours plane ride from our home. They have given us a beautiful granddaughter. I read your piece, so well stated, and feel fortunate to have enjoyed each of the steps in the lives they live.
Karen

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Lorrie October 4, 2013 - 1:11 am

My children are a little older than yours – 27-31. They are settled into their careers, but still excited about life and its possibilities. I love it when our daughters call me up and ask for advice on cooking or cleaning, or on issues regarding people and relationships. I know my husband is thrilled when our son asks for advice on house repairs or just wants to go for a bike ride with him. Now that we have two little granddaughters, family is even more precious. I just stand back and am amazed at how those little ones I once carried within me have grown into such wonderful people.

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Sarah October 4, 2013 - 1:50 am

Sharon, your post is lovely and filled with beauty ~ both the images and your thoughtful words. We don't have children, but the first comment struck a cord with me. Just hours ago I returned from spending a few days with my mom who will be 99 on Sunday. Life for her is more and more challenging each day. Watching her in pain fills my heart with pain, knowing that our time together is limited. Yes, Patricia's words ring true.

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Magnolia Verandah October 4, 2013 - 2:02 am

I have four children 32-37,(two boys two girls) 10 grandchildren 3 months-9 years (five boys five girls). We have them, love them, teach them and hope they will fly the nest and be happy, hardworking, loving, ethical, moral, independent, good people. Everyone knows it is not an easy task to raise children and they are not always good and parents are never perfect! It is such a lovely reward for your own effort and hardwork when they, just pop by or ring for a chat, confide, ask for advice, eat, laugh or just want to share time. It is so gratifying when they raise their own children with the same values, we must have done something right. What is the saying……….parents are lucky to have good children or children are lucky to have good parents? Great provoking post Sharon.

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Anonymous October 4, 2013 - 5:15 am

My daughters are now 31, 28 and 25, out on their own, flourishing. I love seeing them creating their own lives, each one different but bound together as sisters and friends. That I would say is the best thing my husband and I have done if we have done it at all—our daughters truly love, care and look out for each other. The first few years after the last one left for college were a little lonesome. Most of my friends had returned to work after their own children were grown and I wasn't quite sure how to fill the time that suddenly became available. But now I find there are so many things to do that I never had time for before it's just a matter of deciding what I really want to focus on. My home is where they, their friends and all of my extended family come together so I spend much of my time continuing to create and maintaining a welcoming home. There is always more to learn about homemaking, gardening, cooking, decorating and I guess therein lies my passion. And of course my children still look to me for advice and counsel, my parents are aging and eventually there will be grandchildren! I have just recently found your blog and have so enjoyed it. Love the comments too–so many kindred spirits.

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Colleen Taylor October 4, 2013 - 6:43 am

My eyes have melded right into the colours of these exquisite paintings Sharon. How timely that you should write this post. Yes, at first it was extremely difficult for me to let my children take flight, however, it has been a long time now & it does get easier. My children have long gone & it is so gratifying to see who they have become. Now I have even perhaps a greater pleasure of seeing my grandchildren become little people with wonderful personalities and even though it's a big secret, another one on the way soon. I can't wait for the next chapter to be written in their books. XO

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peggy braswell October 4, 2013 - 7:42 am

what a sweet post +my two are such blessings to me + i call them "my miracles" + it was hard to let them make those first flights out of the nest + now they have lives of their own. they call to say hello or to tell us what is going on in their lifes. Golly, I am proud of them and to be a Mom is the BEST.

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Leslie in Portland, Oregon October 4, 2013 - 8:53 am

There is a great deal of well-articulated wisdom in this post and the comments about it. Thank you!

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painting and fine art October 4, 2013 - 9:22 am

Oh my gosh I have been thinking about that a lot right now- my two, ages 18 and 21. The 21 year old asks more advice right now, is encountering more experiences that warrant advice I suppose. I love seeing who they are becoming. I thought I would be sad, and maybe I am at fleeting moments, something I see stirs a memory. But I am excited for them to go to their next steps, and choices. I am a little scared at the redefining a bit of myself, but I am kind of looking forward to that too. Nice post! Love reading all the answers.

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Sophia Home October 4, 2013 - 10:15 am

A lovely post Sharon, and I so empathise with all that you say! My three are aged between 19 and 24, two sons with my daughter in the middle. They are all living in London now, so not too far from us in the Kent countryside. I have loved every single stage with them all, ever since they were babies, and am now really enjoying this young adult stage. They are so busy with their three very different career directions, but we are all very close, and I am touched that they phone or text home almost daily and meet up with each other and us frequently. The dynamics are so different now when we do see each other…..it is more of a special occasion, compared to daily family life at home previously. We are all going away to Rome next weekend as a family for two nights, which will be a very special weekend together…..which I shall cherish! I still worry about them constantly! (when does it ever stop!) but am excited about the next chapter in their lives and all that it brings. So hard letting go…..but this new stage is so rewarding, and I am embracing the next stage, when hopefully we will be grandparents one day! So interesting to read your experience, and that of others…..
Have a lovely weekend,
Sophia x

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chiara October 4, 2013 - 10:20 am

My little ones are still too little to fly away (10 and 13), but I often think about that moment.. they're bautiful, full of curiosity and hope for their future, and I really pray for them to be able to develop their personalities and their dreams as they wish.
Always a pleasure to read your blog…
chiara

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Josien October 4, 2013 - 11:17 am

Hallo Sharon,
Not having children of my own I love all the children around me. Always have. Your post is very honest and I like it very much. Life's circle is not always easy to accept. I do like the first reaction on your post about the proces of the aging of parents. Is n't it all about love, respect and acceptance…. Love to you,

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Frieda October 4, 2013 - 12:01 pm

Bonjour
Magnifique page pleine de ta sensibilité
Très touchants ces mots qui racontent une mère…Et ses enfants
Mama de quatre garçons, je dirais quatre personnalité à gérer et aimer CHACUN.
J'adore ton univers, thanks for this generous partage
Frieda

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Debbie Lynne Malison October 4, 2013 - 12:27 pm

my first four are all in their thirty's now and I still find myself thinking, wait, i'm not done with you yet! when they are doing well, you relax a little, but when they are going through something, you still just want to jump in there and fix it! for me, the hardest thing is to resist the urge.
and then they walk in the door to visit and you look at them in amazement and pride and love all at once.

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onnery October 4, 2013 - 12:57 pm

As we approach our "golden years" and as we watch our twenty and thirty something girls live happy and successful lives, the one important thing is their realization of how important family is! The only thing more satisfying than seeing our girls as well adjusted, happy, and content adults is now witnessing our sixteen month Granddaughter as she happily grows and contributes to our loving family. Absolute joy!!

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Wild Oak Designs October 4, 2013 - 4:36 pm

Yes, my two daughters have flown, but I still worry….yes, constantly. You are right, it is much like watching my daughter in jumping.
They live nearby so I get to see them but even so, they are on their own…..
Nancy

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zanetastyle October 4, 2013 - 4:51 pm

I adore your writing and the images of beautiful artwork are causing one to tear drop; my son is only 4 and I already think about him going out the house one day, with tightness in my stomach.
But I do try enjoy every stage of his life, when he was a baby I did not want him to be 4 ((: and I do miss my baby boy sometime, but keep reminding myself that every stage is worth looking forward to … otherwise I would go mad in my head.
hugs Z

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Anonymous October 4, 2013 - 10:37 pm

Beautiful, heartfelt post, Sharon……as always! I have one, wonderful daughter. I provided her with every opportunity for success, but never planned her direction. The most difficult part, for me, has been to stay on the sidelines, unless invited on the field, when I felt she needed my advice. Even then, I've learned to make gentle observations, rather than give explicit direction. Not easy, but who promised it would be. I now understand the dilemma my parents faced watching me stumble toward maturity. Angela Muller

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Le Farm October 5, 2013 - 12:19 pm

The saying, "Give your children roots and wings", tells the bittersweet story of every mother. Sounds so easy, but so very hard to do. The two loves of my life both live far away in LA and I live on the east coast, but as they take their new journey, I am also taking mine! Whether we like it or not, we have a wonderful chance to venture out and figure out "what we want to be when we grow up"…with no shortage of making our own mistakes to teach us the lessons in life. I am embracing it as a fabulous new beginning for me, too, and I am just as excited! I emptied my nest… and replaced it with a farm. Suzanne @ Le Farm

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