confidence and learning ….

by Sharon Santoni

she believed she could sign

I’d like to draw on your experience please.

When I was a young girl, still at junior school, I absolutely hated English essay lessons.   We were given a subject to write about each week, just a page or so, and awarded marks out of 10 for style, content, grammar etc….. I rarely came out with more than a 3.

 Although I loved to read, and positively devoured books,   the talent of my favourite authors failed to rub off on me.

I lost count of how many times the teacher would pull my copy out of her pile and read it out loud to the class as an example of how NOT to write.    She would call me up to the front of the class and make me stand beside her while she tut-tutted and rolled her eyes through her recital of my piece.

My essays were probably not the best but her methods were wrong: It was a humiliating non-pedagogical teaching practice that made me dread putting pen to paper instead of encouraging me to improve.

 These days, I choose to put that experience behind me and while I don’t pretend to be a great author, I do feel real pleasure when my words ‘get through’; when the feedback I receive after a new blogpost tells me that I have touched my readers – in a way that I never touched that teacher!

 So this  post is just a weekend muse ….. a note to self …. a chat with you …. from a mother with children  still studying or at the outset of their working lives, and who often thinks about the importance of self confidence.

I know  there are times when my love for my own children will make me impatient for them to succeed, to progress.  I have to remind myself that the best thing I can do is to boost their confidence, be there to listen, and to offer  realistic support and encouragement.

And I wondered how you manage this one.  We live in an exciting but a tough world.  Do you tend to be over ambitious for those you love, or simply happy to see them happy.  If you are a parent, do you think it is your role to stretch them that bit further or to simply encourage from the sidelines?  Do you tell them they’ll have to fight for what they want, or do let them discover their own truths?  Do you think that these are difficult times or that each generation has its trials and tribulations?

 

Do tell me please, I’d love to know .

 

And by the way, Carla drew the winners for the giant print giveaway, and the names are Heidi Barker and Leah Rayner.  So if that’s you, then pop over to see Carla and give her your details.

Have a lovely weekend!

54 comments

Geraldine Wise November 15, 2014 - 7:57 pm

Hello Sharon: This is the first post that really spoke to me. I have one daughter, she is lovely, smart and funny. My problem is that she never wants to hear how “I see” her. She doesn’t have the confidence in her appearance to reach out and meet someone special, everyone turns into a friend. As a young Mother I felt that I supported her, encouraged her and tried my best to make her feel completely loved. I feel a failure. Your questions are so to the point. What do we do in a world where everyone is judged by their weight and how they appear instead of for their character and personality. Oh if you have words of wisdom = please share. Thank you for your daily posts.

Reply
Sharon Santoni November 15, 2014 - 9:42 pm

Hi Geraldine,
Don’t you think that “feeling a failure” at times is just part of the territory?!

I am sorry to hear about your daughter’s lack of confidence, as you say the way that others look at us can sometimes be difficult to cope with.

I’m sure that she’ll gain in confidence in another part of her life, and that will give her all around confidence.

thank you for your comment

ss

Reply
judy November 17, 2014 - 3:28 am

I wonder if your daughter isn’t being more sophisticated about whom she deems “just friends” as opposed to potential partners. Perhaps she knows quite well what are her strong admirable qualities and is determined not to offer herself to anyone seeking a relationship based on mere appearances. Many people today would rather just have “friends” than serial relationships that can be quite soul searing when examined in the cold light of reality. I don’t believe we have much affect on our adult children-I knew as a young adult I was the one who had to live with my decisions and I found most young men incredibly boring. Not their fault-hormones, but still so not the stuff of real relationships. INMHO

Reply
cheryl November 15, 2014 - 11:03 pm

Geraldine, sometimes our love is not enough, painful as that is, and we need a little outside help. If your daughter is open to it, encourage her to get counseling, and be willing to go with her if and when she desires it. Don’t pry about her sessions or how it’s going (that’s hard, I know). The best outcome is that she becomes empowered to effect the changes she desires in her life, and that she develops a sense of self-pride and self-love that can only come within. If the first therapist doesn’t “click”, don’t give up. Try again. There needs to be a good connection between therapist and client. And try to be upbeat about her life, just as it is. I can’t even tell you how powerful it is to feel that one’s parents are content with us.

Reply
Pam Mastin November 15, 2014 - 7:59 pm

I’m sorry about what you had to go through with that “teacher”. I agree that the best thing we can do for our children is to give them honest feedback (not just for the sake of ego boosting but for their personal growth) and encouragement. Our son had a horrible time in a “structured” education setting. Everyone learns differently. After his formal schooling he was like a bird out of a cage. He always said he just wanted to be happy and now he has a career doing what he loves.

Reply
Sharon Santoni November 15, 2014 - 9:43 pm

I can smile about it now Pam, but I remember it being very painful to bear at the time!

How lovely that your son has found his calling 🙂

xx

Reply
Cheryl November 15, 2014 - 8:08 pm

Those are tough questions! I have raised three children into adulthood…now 27, 30 and 32 years old. I think they have, so far, become as confident as any of us ever are…which is to say very confident in some areas, and maybe never will be in others. Each child will respond differently to encouragement, of course; some will see it as criticism no matter how you say it. I guess I think we should encourage them to try the things that interest them, and then, except to cheer from the sidelines, get out of their way. But as their parent, let them know that you believe in them. That’s a very powerful thing. Just make sure that THEY are sure that the things they are striving for are for their own fulfillment, and not to satisfy some vision that they may think YOU have for them. As for your writing, Sharon, I am a life-long avid reader as well, and I truly enjoy reading your blog and your lovely little stories. Shame on that teacher, and thank goodness you have not let her stop you!

Reply
Sharon Santoni November 15, 2014 - 9:49 pm

Thank you for your kind endorsement Cheryl. Of course we have to believe in our children, and we do so quite naturally.

You are right that it is important that they work for their own aims, and not to please us

xx

Reply
Karena November 15, 2014 - 8:54 pm

Sharon, it is a brave new world out there and I truly believe young people need our thoughts on navigating through it! As we all know for most kids it is very hard for them to open up. Letting them know we are here to listen and not giving advice that will push them away; yet letting them be aware of what they will encounter (or may encounter) I think is necessary,

xoxo
Karena
The Arts by Karena

Reply
Margie Cashatt November 16, 2014 - 12:34 am

Sharon,

I am angry to think of the way you were treated by your teacher as a child and am so glad you didn’t give up on writing. Your short stories are so enjoyable to read!

When I was a young mother there was a popular song by the late Harry Chapin. The condensed version goes something like this: A little boy went first day in school, he got some colors and he started to draw. He drew flowers all over the paper, all colors is what he saw. The teacher said “What you doing young man?” I’m painting flowers he said. Then the teacher says “Flowers are red young man and green leaves are green, there is no need to see flowers any other way than the way they always have been seen. The boy then says “but there are so many colors in the rainbow, so many colors in the morning sun, so many colors in flowers and I see every one. The teacher continues to insist flowers are red and green leaves are green, etc.

Some time later, a new teacher comes to school and takes out paper and crayons for the children. She says “There are so many colors in the rainbow, so many colors in the morning sun, so many colors in the flowers so let’s use every one. But the little boy painted flowers in neat rows of green and red and when the teacher asked him why, this is what he said “Flowers are red, green leaves are green, there is no need to see flowers any other way that the way they always have been seen.”

How easily a child’s spirit and creativity can be harmed. I am so thankful that you were strong enough to overcome that experience and go on to entertain all of us out here in blogland!

Take care,
Margie

Reply
Florence Brown November 15, 2014 - 8:54 pm

Dear Sharon,

Ever since I have found your blog I anxiously await your next update. I am a lover all things French and actually had a store called La Plume Doree in Connecticut.

I love this particular essay. I too was a poor English student and often had other people wrote most of my papers. I have always loved to read, but never like writing, except children’s stories. so thank you for letting me know that someone else had a similar experience in high school.

Florence Brown

Reply
Sharon Eisen November 15, 2014 - 8:55 pm

May your essay be included in the yet-to-be-written volume of HOW NOT TO TEACH.

Another little story. When I was in graduate school, I received a grade for an essay that was far below my usual standards. I went to talk with the professor about what I could do to “improve” it. He made suggestions that were “all over the place.” They made no sense, but I asked if I could re-do the paper. He agreed. So I thought about what he said. And I thought about his lectures which were usually “all over the place” and which never drew any conclusions. I decided to rewrite the paper in his very own style. I wrote the worst paper in my life and was not concise, irrelevant and made no sense. I declared it to be “fit for the trash can.” And I handed it in. Got an A+. It was exactly what he wanted. Some people are just not good teachers.

When I went on with my career and ended with a position in higher education, the first thing I did with papers was to point out the strengths evident, and then I would offer suggestions for enriching the written work. Never point out the weaknesses before you recognize the strengths.

I just think that your pieces are charming.

Reply
david fuller November 15, 2014 - 8:56 pm

Lead by example!

Reply
Leon November 15, 2014 - 8:58 pm

…very nice. Sorry you had to go through that experience, but look at where you are now: writing for all of us! As a father of two extraordinary daughters and now even more amazing women, I look back and say: love them as much as you can and do pay attention. They will unfold in all their beauty and with difficulty at times. But trust that they will find their way and know that it’s not your way.

Thanks, Sharon.

Leon

Reply
Elizabeth (Eiffel Tells) November 15, 2014 - 9:29 pm

Writing is about effective communication to a specific audience while keeping them engaged. You have definitely graduated as a AAA+ student.

Assuming that a child is unconditionally loved, as a mother and a teacher of many decades, I have concluded that the 3 attributes that lead to happiness and thus success are a good work ethic, a strong, moral code (not fanaticism) and a passion. If a student doesn’t have a passion, a healthy dose of curiosity and commitmemt to a sport go a long way until they find what they truly love.

Bon weekend

Reply
Freda November 15, 2014 - 9:32 pm

When training as an art teacher I watched an older teacher put a student’s work on the wall as an example of what not to do, and vowed I would never do that to anyone! Just a little thing – if your child is struggling with something, saying ‘It’s tricky’ makes it clear that it might not be their fault, and also encourages them to try a little harder. I loved teaching and being a parent – always challenging, and so worthwhile. Lovely post.

Reply
Karen November 15, 2014 - 9:40 pm

Dear Sharon,
I adore your blog and even on Facebook when I see your photos, I am in awe. I have two grown daughters and it seems like only recently that I questioned if I was doing the right thing all the time. I encouraged my girls, told them they could do anything. I often turned the other way when they made mistakes and applauded loudly when they did something wonderful. During their teen years, I thought that perhaps I was a bit too light on pushing them. Now they have become two confident and happy women. One found her fulfillment in her career, and the other raising her gorgeous sons. They tell me often how me believing in them was the most beneficial in their happiness.

Reading your blog all this time and getting the essence of who you are makes me confident that you are an amazing and creative mother.

Karen

Reply
Caroline Longstaffe November 15, 2014 - 9:49 pm

Hi Sharon
Oh so hard to continually be positive and try to boost your children’s confidence and help them believe in themselves and at the same time say ‘No’ when you have to.
I have tried to alway be consistent over the ‘big’ things and to say sorry when I am wrong to show them that we all make mistakes and fail but that t’s hoe er deal with those mistakes that is the important thing. I never stop telling them how much I love them and how very proud I am of them. Now they are all grown up (27 and 24) I ask their advice as I want them to realize that I respect them and value their opinions.
I have loved reading these comments, thanks for another thought provoking post!
Caroline

Reply
Faye McKenny November 15, 2014 - 9:50 pm

Your pieces always speak to me and I think that it is because I can always tell that you are speaking from your heart. I believe the responses you received indicate how much this particular piece touched so many people. My children are grown as are three of my grandchildren. It is so rewarding watching them grown into productive, happy adults. I concur with you in that providing positive reinforcement it so very important in helping anyone to grow.
As a side note, I love your pieces so much that I send one to my eldest granddaughter who, upon receipt, advised that she loves your blog and even has a link to yours on her own blog. So many thanks and keep them coming.

Reply
JaneEllen November 15, 2014 - 10:05 pm

Shame on that teacher. Where did she get her education? Teaching is much more about seeing each student as the person they are, not perfect and maybe with some hang ups. l You persevered despite her, maybe she was a catalyst in back of your mind to keep you trying. I thoroughly enjoy reading what you write. I too am a voracious reader and did do well in English classes. Math, eh, not so good.
I have 4 children who are now very grown up adults who are pretty much successful in what they do. Every one of them is very different in personality. The only one I really worry about is the oldest, she’s 54 and her life is always hanging in balance with her behavior and ability to navigate life in any kind of happiness. She won’t speak to me. She was very upset when we left Ca for MT. after that she wouldn’t talk to me anymore, told her siblings I was terrible mother and I was, due to some things that were hang ups of mine.
I was raised to believe I had no rights, every body elses happiness was more important and it was my job to do what I could to make them happy. I was told I was “slow” due to being born with a thyroid that didn’t work at all. I grew up thinking I could never measure up yet I graduated high school in top 8th of my class. Believe me I studied til I was blue in the face to keep good grades. I married twice to men that were fully aware of my lack of confidence in myself. My own Mother told me when I was divorced with 3 small children nobody would want me with 3 kids. Hmmm. How do you proceed? My own Mother always sided with my husbands, no matter what the issues. I couldn’t go to her if I needed some back up. (think she had some issues of her own) If I didn’t agree with her she’d always say, “after all I’ve done for you this is how you treat me?”.
Now there’s an example for you. She was a master at guilt trips to keep me in line even as an adult.
How did I know how to be a parent? When the 3 kids were still quite small before I met my second husband I had a baby, the Father would have married me as we’d been friends in high school, but because of his ex wife whom I knew and his Mom I called it off when I realized I didn’t love him, didn’t really know what I felt. I think he was relieved when I called it off. Two weeks before baby was born I decided it was best for both my kids and that child (as well as the father/family) if I gave baby to people that maybe would be whole lot better parents than I was.
When I was pregnant my Mother also told me I’d caused her to have a nervous break down, to stay away from my aunt/uncle if I saw them and whole bunch more. She was also relieved when I gave the baby up. Was so hard and took me long time to deal with it. Before I even got home from hospital Mom told my small children the baby had died. They now know I gave baby up. She’d make a remark now and then to chastise me for being with a man. It was dirty and if I went out at night was no better than whore.
I tried to tell myself my Mother did all this to protect me from myself, juries still out on that one.
I tried to help my children learn how to take care of themselves. To give honest days work for pay, to be good people, to do what they wanted for their lives. I guess I did ok. Except for my screaming and hollering when kids young. I’ve gotten alot of bad press from that from one daughter in law, she likes to tell me what a psychotic Mother i was and my son doesn’t want anything to do with me. I haven’t seen him or spoken to him in over two years. Same with oldest daughter. How do I live with that? I am so afraid I’ll die without ever seeing my children again.
But life has to go on so I do best I can. Not always good as I suffer from extreme anxiety and depression. I take meds but when the old head gets to remembering and thinking about them I have a hard time. Guess I’m what a parent shouldn’t be. There’s a whole lot more I haven’t included in this story but good grief I’ve said enuf I’m sure you’ll agree. If nothing else you can feel better about parent you are. God bless you. Don’t many of us question our ability to parent wisely if we care about the parent we are?
If it sounded like I was blaming my Mom I think she did the best she knew how. Human nature is quite a mixed up, messed up, sometimes good thing. I’m happy to say I do have pretty decent relationship with two of my kids, had a girl when I remarried. We’re still together, will be 46 yrs end of this month. Be happy, do the best you can, what more can any of us do? Wishing you happy life and enjoy Happy season

Reply
Kay November 16, 2014 - 3:20 am

Oh JaneEllen, bless you! You did the best you could with who you were and what you knew at the time. You are right. We can do no more than that.

Take care.

Reply
Ann Leslie November 15, 2014 - 10:22 pm

Isn’t it amazing that you grew up to write your delightful blog? Living Well is the Best Revenge. Have you fantasized looking up that teacher and sending her a link to your blog?

Your readers have given some inspiring advice in the Comments.

I would add that the best approach depends on the child. Of course I don’t suggest that your teacher’s methods should ever be followed, but look how you chose to put the experience behind you and ended up becoming a writer. Another child might have had a very different outcome.

Reply
Colleen Taylor November 15, 2014 - 10:35 pm

Sharon, I’ve had quite similar incidences happen to me when I was a child. It is an awful thing to do to anyone much less an innocent child that’s trying to please. The nuns that taught me were at times absolutely awful in that way. For me, it was about my piano lessons when I actually had bruises on my hands from the nuns ruler when I didn’t play the way she thought I should. No one could or should get by with that. We know what would happen to them this day & age.
For my children, they are adults with successful careers. They do tell me when things are wonderful & when they are not. I listen intently & but my comments are more encouraging than anything else. They love & appreciate my wisdom & thank me for that. That’s all I can do for them at this point in their lives since they pretty much seem to have it together. I think I did a pretty good job as I’m certain you have as well. Lovely post Sharon. X

Reply
Rosemary November 15, 2014 - 10:38 pm

David Fuller has it in a few words, our lived example is critical. Children don’t really hear what we say, they see what we do though. They see dishonesty and disrespect. As Freda said, admitting to kids that some things are tricky, that the answer is not always black and white and you have to just keep trying is so important. I sometimes think the hardest thing for kids now is that there are just so many choices. It is quite overwhelming and creates anxiety: what if I make the wrong choice? The greatest gift I ever had from my elders, when I was young and now, as I realise I am now “middle aged” (OMG!!!!), has been the reassurance that it is ok to find out that a decision might have been wrong and then make the necessary changes. No experience is ever a dead loss, we learn from every experience. We just have to find a way not to learn bitterness and negativity. Thanks for a great post, a chance to reflect on being a learner, an educator and a parent.

Reply
Marian from UK November 15, 2014 - 11:21 pm

No one knows how to parent. when that first tiny mite comes into our lives. We simply draw on instinct and our own experiences, good or bad. We all have ‘issues’ of some sort or another, insecurities about something , real or imagined, valid or not. That’s part of life’s lesson and journey. I don’t know if my children (now 36 and 34) would say I got it right, but what I did was love them – and tell them that I did. Encourage them in all things, teach them respect and discipline where necessary ( but not shouting and hollering). I was always there (usually late at night!) to listen when things had gone wrong or a heart had been broken, however tired I felt. The hardest part was letting them go! Allowing that independence, particularly in those early teenage years, wondering if they were safe. But I must have done something right amongst that, because now they are successful, happy adults and parents and we enjoy each others company while at the same time respecting each other’s own lives. There are no guarantees that it will turn out alright, There are so many other influences. and we cannot live their lives for them. We can only do our very best, but perhaps love and discipline in a balanced measure are the two key things that give them confidence and security. Sharon, for what it’s worth, I feel that you have it right. Your posts show your love for your family and your attitude to life shines through in your blog and must surely rub off on your children. I’m now a doting grandparent – with a whole new set of rules to learn!!! Here’s hoping I can get it right!!

Reply
Marilyn Leslie November 16, 2014 - 12:18 am

Hi Sharon,
All three of our children are adults and I don’t give advice unless they ask for it. If they ask my opinion I will be honest with them, but try offer love and encouragement as they embark on new adventures.

Marilyn

Reply
Esther George November 16, 2014 - 12:21 am

Hi Sharon the constant dilemma, if you are doing the right thing for your children it never stops. My daughter is 35 and she started working from the age of 19 but she is always thinking that she has not found what she’s been looking for. My son is 17 and for the life of me I really am trying not to pressure him about his future, all I can do is be there when he needs me. Do you think our parents spent sleepless nights worrying about all the issues we seem to be dealing with now. When we were children the rule was “children should be seen and not heard”. Thank you for sharing even though it was sad what your teacher did to you…shameful. Till next time enjoy your weekend Regards Esther from Sydney. PS your foolish teacher would be eating humble pie just about now.

Reply
Jana November 16, 2014 - 9:26 am

My daughter is 29 now, always was a A+ student, always with a great success. And now, similar as your daughter, she is still trying to find „herself“, find what she will really love to do in her life. My son (27) on the other hand has always liked all kind of sports more than studying, bud finished his university and MBA studies and now is in his work very precise, clever and I am surprised how realisticly confident he is. So even we always have tried to do everything with our children alike, they are so very different.
P.S. Excuse my english, as you can see, it is really not my mother tongue.
Jana

Reply
Leslie in Oregon November 16, 2014 - 3:13 am

During parent-teacher conference when our son was in 4th grade, his teacher gave me a very valuable but unexpected piece of advice. She encouraged me not to try to smooth the way for him quite so much. Pointing out that he was a very capable child, she urged me not to do so much to prevent him from being exposed to the possibility of failing… and learning from failure. At first, this made little sense to me, but since I respected this teacher a great deal, I thought and talked with others about it and realized the merit of her advice. I was protecting my child from the opportunity to learn from his own mistakes and from the social-educational challenges of a normal child’s life. Gradually, in cooperation with my husband, I learned to strike a better balance between the extremes of complete protecting my child from, or completely exposing him to, these sort of failures. Like most aspects of the tightrope of parenting, it was a matter of careful balance. My son, now 30, became a person who has the resilience to thrive, and does thrive, in a world where, in pursuing his passions, he must face the possibility of professional failure or rejection every day.

Reply
Lyn November 16, 2014 - 3:26 am

Hi Sharon, I love your blog, you write beautifully and your photos are wonderful. This blog really touched my heart because I was told my essays were boring when I was at school and even though I am a grandmother and my children are in their 40s I still do very little writing because I have never had the confidence to do so. I met that teacher last year, she was a catholic nun and I told her what she had said and she was horrified and so sorry.
One of the nicest thing I can say about my children is that if I met them as strangers, I would really like them. They are doing such a wonderful job as parents and I have 4 beautiful grandchildren. Lyn

Reply
Kay November 16, 2014 - 3:37 am

Sharon,
Just reading these comments is wonderful. You have sparked all of us to make the effort to respond to your thoughtful post.

I had a similar experience to yours. In the 8th grade an art teacher told me I would never be an artist. So I stopped trying right then. When I was 52 I left my corporate job and became a decorative painter. I am still self-employed in that field (I just turned 64).

I think teachers may be more aware now of the weight of their influence. Anyway I hope so. Caring, and appropriate praise coupled with constructive feedback is key, both in teaching and in parenting.

The “lead by example”comment was well said. Our children learn so much when they witness our own struggles and triumphs. That was actual feedback from our 33-year-old daughter two days ago.

It IS a balancing act to know when to step up and when to step back. And each child has different needs. But with love and support they make their way in the world, and make the world a better place.

Thank you again for your wonderful blog and for so soundly proving that teacher WRONG!!

Warm wishes,
Kay

Reply
Ros Short November 16, 2014 - 4:06 am

Sharon, I remember my French teacher in High School sent me out to stand in the corridor when I mucked up adding VERY loudly I’d end up in the gutter.!!harsh words But those words of wisdom made me take a good look at myself & I decided to succeed & developed a love of that language. Bringing up 3 children our motto as parents was “do your best”. When they were really small, …to just think of that little engine climbing that big hill “I THINK I can……..I KNOW I can..” later as they grew older “Que Sera Sera ” ” what will be ,will be ” was my chorus .It was a great song & successfully recorded by an Aussie guy as well as good ol Doris ! Ah , I NOW have 3 very motivated ,independent & creative adults happily married with kids of their own. Perhaps that teacher gave you the same incentive as me , to silently prove her oh so WRONG .I admire your journalistic skills And ALWAYS look forward to reading your next blog always interesting ,inspiring , you allow us to dream & to create our own personal outlook on where we are and where we can “go” So thank you Sharon’ I know your children will be motivated,loving individuals aware of their surroundings and grateful to their parents for their wonderful upbringing.

Reply
edith November 16, 2014 - 4:13 am

I love your writing. I homeschooled my kids through high school. Grade 7 + 9 till they began university. My son was so scarred by teachers that he couldn’t easily write a paragraph. My daughter wrote all the time but refused to allow me to see her work.

So I took a sentence, later a paragraph, and wrote on a whiteboard in our kitchen. I included lots of errors in spelling, punctuation & grammar. It was an “Easter Egg Hunt” where they tried to spot & correct MY errors!

I let my kids write on the computer using spell check contrary to popular wisdom. This allowed them instant feedback in a low stress method. It also built up a visual memory of how a word SHOULD be spelled.

Gradually they relaxed and by the time they graduated into university they were not only able to crank out the written stuff but they were making top marks, well above their peers. In my youngest, she went into first year university English courses in grade 10 as soon as she turned 16. I still taught her other stuff at home alongside that class and one in science that she also tried her hand at. Like her brother she consistently scored top marks.

That was over 17 years ago and both earned Bachelor of Science degrees in their chosen fields. Both are highly confident successful adults. I got a final laugh when my homeschooled kids both ended up tutoring their peers at university in science and calculus. Both managed their writing assignments with ease as their peers struggled with 30 to 60 page term essays. My friends had warned me that my kids might lose out on their education because of our “experiment”.

Reply
Lili November 16, 2014 - 11:13 am

I have a very successful “biological” son, and an adopted daughter who has a learning difficulty and very low self esteem (no matter how much we try to build her up). I shared your above comment from your FB page so she would read it. I hope one day she will truly believe in herself and stop putting limits on what she thinks she is able to attain. As a parent you want to advise, but not be pushy; you don’t want to give up; but at 25 — when do you let them make their own mistakes so they learn? A real balancing act — there is no one answer.

Thanks!

Lili

Reply
Penny Kweder November 16, 2014 - 11:13 am

Sharon……
Get Anne Lamott’s “Bird By Bird” book……..suggestions on writing.
And take a writing course. All will help.
Fondly……Penny

Reply
Jill Tompkins November 16, 2014 - 11:14 am

Dear Sharon

I hope I can address you by your first name. I absolutely love your aesthitic.

I would like to share something I was told by a friend when I went back to school to get a BFA at age 58.
She said “ The best gift you can give your children is to get a LIFE OF YOUR OWN” So I guess what
I am saying is we should do our best to raise our kids then get on with living our own lives. Tough
advice when we all adore our children but this gives our kids room to go out and put our teachings
into practice.

I have been wanting to write for a long time and ask permission to use some of your pictures on your blog as
sources/inspiration for some of my paintings.

Thanks

Jill

Reply
Ginger Lang November 16, 2014 - 11:22 am

Sharon,
Thank you for your post. My view of parenting is that parents do all of the things you mentioned. It is not a question of either/or but rather of choosing which strategy to use in any given situation. All the strategies you mentioned come to play in the parent/child relationship over time and changing circumstances.
I enjoy your posts – the photos, your narrative. Good for you for meeting the challenge of writing and sharing and for having confidence in yourself!
Ginger Lang

Reply
Carolynn November 16, 2014 - 11:23 am

Sharon as a mother of 3 adults 25,29,37 I’ve let them make their own choices so course I’ve had high hopes . It befuttles me that one I worried about the most is successful, the one I knew would do great things has struggled the most with life in general. The oldest is a wonderful mother her career is less than stellar,I pushed her to do more with her education and she chose not to. So they choose to follow their own paths and the one thing I’ve done is support them in their choices and tell each one how proud I am with their successes.
I do miss enjoying their childhoods with them ,those years were enchanting and now my granddaughters are a joy to behold. Carolynn

Reply
melissa o'toole November 16, 2014 - 1:17 pm

Great thoughts, I try to remember not to let my Pride get in the way of my parenting, am I doing this for them or for my Pride.
I do believe that life without failure is non productive. Do not be a constant problem solver let them do it a few times.
People who do not keep score at sports events or are always tell there children they did a great job even if the picture is horrible are perhaps doing there children a dis service, honesty is important if it is delivered with love.
Adversity builds character and also teaches children how to solve problems. I have tried to not be a “helicopter parent” If they forget there homework and call me to bring it I usually do not because they need to feel the results of the mistake.
I however am not perfect and am actually guilty of all I say not to do, Just doing the best we can I guess!
Thank you for asking for our thoughts!
Melissa

Reply
Terri Michael November 16, 2014 - 1:22 pm

I am an English teacher, and shame on that teacher who did that to you. You showed her because your writing is beautiful.

Reply
Emm November 16, 2014 - 3:39 pm

What a mean way to treat a student, your ex-teacher I mean. Your writing is quite good, there’s a nice flow to it, and you use the language with skill.

“. . . the best thing I can do is to boost their confidence, be there to listen, and to offer realistic support and encouragement” — I’d say you’re doing it right.

There are so many traps and obstacles set in our way, in our children’s way, by society and the times, and they’re constantly changing, so the best we can do is to encourage and nudge and pick them up from time to time, dust them off, and send them along whatever way they choose.

Reply
Eileen November 16, 2014 - 7:27 pm

Isn’t it interesting how so many of us remember a teacher who had a positive/negative effect in our formative years? Later, in life and career, we find mentors/role models in almost equal proportion to those who are neither. The difference is that by then, hopefully, we are equipped to recognize the difference and put it in some perspective. I’ve lost count of how many award ceremonies I have attended where a “winner” recognizes the part a long-ago teacher played in their success. It’s an awesome responsibility shaping young minds and I suspect today’s teachers are far more attuned to that than past generations of educators who favored the command and control model then in vogue. The same is true of parents. How many of us were determined not to emulate ours? We live and learn and do the best we can with the tools we have, teacher and pupil alike. C’est la vie, non?

Reply
Mary Feguson November 16, 2014 - 8:56 pm

Sharon, I think this post hit the nail on the head concerning our children. I also hated English with a passion. But, I loved reading, math, history most of the other subjects. My son had a teacher in the 5th grade and she always gave him a C no matter what the subject was. So I had to praise him on the subjects that I knew that he did well in, even though Mrs. Johnson didn’t think so. He has turned out to be a wonderful son, father and husband. He has gone far with his career, but if I had left it up to Mrs Johnson, I am afraid of what the out some would have been.
Teachers then aren’t as savvy as they are now.
Thanks so much for the great post.
Mary

Reply
Gardengirl November 17, 2014 - 4:15 am

Hi Sharon,
I am posting a day later than your post and you may not even read this. I can only assume you are referring to young adult children and adult children. This by far is the most difficult stage of parenting and no one warns you about it. My daughters are 26 and 24, the 24 year old seems to be absolutely lost on what to do with her life and future. She has been given every opportunity and support available to pursue her dreams and/or goals. I have recently taken the stance that I can no longer try to get her to move forward and that she is going to have to figure this out on her own. Frankly, she has no interest in my input. So I have to know deep in my heart that I did more than my best and will just wait to see what path she chooses. My 26 year old has known since she was 4 years old that she wanted to be an actress. Of course for any sensible parent there is the usual trepidation that goes along with that path. She has a BFA in Performance Theatre with a minor in studio art and was considering a 2nd minor in French but decided against it. She graduated with honors within the 4 year time frame which is tough to do here in America. She is living in Los Angeles pursuing her passion in acting for television. Fortunately, she has one foot in reality at the same time and is working to support herself. Since she graduated from college I found that it was best to listen more than advise. To guide without her knowing she was being guided. It seemed to work. Now, I do not ever give unsolicited advice because the automatic response is, “mother, I am an adult!” My advice to you is to listen to what your adult children are saying, read between the lines and give them the answers they are seeking without them realizing they have asked. I do feel that todays generation has more and different challenges than we did, as well as access to far more than we did and in addition to that much more competition out there scholastically and in the workplace. I try to be the anchor for my girls and always be there when they ask. It doesn’t hurt to encourage and boost self confidence especially when they are feeling low. It is a challenging path to navigate but it can be done.

Reply
Sandi Oliverio November 17, 2014 - 3:18 pm

Sharon-
I was intrigued just with the heading of your post!
So many wonderful responses to your question that so many of us parents ponder.

We weren’t given a manual when that little cherub entered our world, as to how to raise it to be all that we hoped for in this little one’s life. And, soon we learned that books, or articles or verbal advice didn’t address each little person’s character. I remember days of frustration and soul searching for both of my daughters that are now 42 and 44. What worked for the oldest didn’t work for the other.
Each took a different path in life and I feel more times than not, I had to be on the sideline cheering them on or ready to give a ‘listening ear’ and hug. I don’t think it hurts when you see a strength in them that they aren’t so sure about to give a nudge. I use to sing a little tune (and teasingly still do) to my girls when they would have moments …or days of “I can’t do this, mom!” You probably have heard it also:
“If you think you can, if you think you can, you’re absolutely right. Believing you can do it, is more than half the fight. Believing in yourself, more than anyone else…If you think you can…YOU CAN!” It was in later years that I learned it was
the invention genius Henry Ford that said, “If you think you can, or can’t…you are absolutely right.” Last Christmas I had a delightful set of stone bookends done by a wonderful store on Etsy, with that verse for one of my daughters. She smiled when she opened the gift and I am sure enjoys reading it, rather than hearing me sing!

These are trying times for the whole world. But, Sharon you or I will never be the perfect parent…but your heart is in the right place, and I trust your husband’s is also. I trust that each of us do the best we can, with what skills we have. The rest we leave to their Heavenly parent, with prayer… that all will go well with them.

You are doing a great job!

Reply
Michelle Mortensen November 18, 2014 - 1:29 am

As an elementary school teacher (4th grade), my focus is on teaching writing. In California, 4th grade students are given a state writing examination. Needless to say, I cringed when reading your post. My heart felt an ache when reading about the torture your teacher put you through. I am proud that each school year I begin with 9 year old “non-writers” and finish the year with ten year old writers. My approach uses a lot of positive reinforcement (yes, sometimes even une petite bonbon).

I am glad that your early negative experience did not stop you from becoming a writer. Your words are little bonbons for me whenever I read your blog. Combined with your excellent photography, your blog is amazing.

With my students and my own children ( I have 3), I focus my praise on the effort rather than the final product. Rather than telling my daughter that her painting rivals those of Degas, I will point out elements that I like and praise her for the time and energy she put into her work. In this tough world, children need to be taught that hard work is incentive in itself. We need to do things for the intrinsic rewards we get, rather than the external rewards of fame, praise, and/or money.

It seems to me that you love what you do. That is what shines through in your words and images.
Best,
Michelle from simplysantabarbara.blogspot.com

Reply
Deb November 21, 2014 - 3:14 am

Sharon
Some teachers can be so mean! I’ve always enjoyed your stories. I especially liked the story about the young girl in Paris falling in love around Christmas.
Teachers are not always right. Lots of people who’s teachers were not encouraging and some even were told they would never amount to anything have grown up to be very successful.
Even though there are many wonderful teachers who encourage students to strive and be confident there are those that perhaps should not be teachers.
Debbie

Reply
Elisabeth March 30, 2021 - 4:47 pm

I don’t think many people like essays. For the most part, because we had absolutely no practice or knowledge on this topic. But such articles https://huler1996.com/blog/how-to-write-a-synthesis-essay/ help greatly simplify the writing process. If you take into account important recommendations, everything will work out

Reply
Tif June 17, 2022 - 3:28 am

Good advice, especially for a new writer, but not so straightforward. The most crucial factors, in my opinion, are talent, creativity, and a desire to write. It’s difficult to achieve well at something you don’t enjoy. As a result, when I recognized that writing was not my forte, I decided to outsource all of my writings to experts in the field of business assignment help . Everyone, in my opinion, should do what he or she can.

Reply
Edward Heavy April 28, 2023 - 2:36 pm

Learning has always been a rather difficult process for me, and I attribute this primarily to teachers who couldn’t find an individual approach. It’s good that now there are excellent platforms like Promova, where you can find reference material on topics like Future Continuous in English, as well as an experienced teacher who will help make the learning process enjoyable, interesting and comfortable.

Reply
monami July 13, 2023 - 10:19 am

And what about writing term papers, did you buy them or did you write them yourself? More and more often I think about buying a term paper because it saves a lot of time. Who can I contact to buy a term paper?

Reply
sapek July 13, 2023 - 10:39 am

I am in my second year of university and I am already quite knowledgeable about the topic. I usually order papers from this site but if you are considering free sites offering samples for review, check the quality of writing and qualifications of the writers if they offer writing services. Plagiarism is the thing that lowers your scores.

Reply
irena buffi September 30, 2023 - 1:05 am

Greetings, lovely people! I’m on the lookout for online math resources to aid me in conquering some difficult exercises. Your input would mean the world to me. Wishing you all a wonderful day!

Reply
gird October 1, 2023 - 2:41 am

I have been using this site for quite some time now, and it has become my go-to resource for math help. The math tutorials here https://math-tool.com/ are comprehensive and cover a wide range of topics. The explanations are clear and concise, making it easy for me to follow along and understand complex concepts. Additionally, the site offers practice problems with detailed solutions, allowing me to test my understanding and identify areas I need to work on. If you’re looking for a reliable online math resource, I encourage you to give this site a try.

Reply

Leave a Comment