There is a strange sort of commotion going on here today. Excitement and anticipation sit alongside questions and twinges of sadness.
There is a hustle and bustle of boxes and bags, of furniture and photo frames; of negotiation over what goes and what stays, and I am in the middle of it all, feeling happy and trying to ignore the tugging feeling in the pit of my stomach.
There is a truck parked outside the house, full of ‘stuff’ and a long list, almost entirely ticked off, on the kitchen table. From the barn comes the smell of fresh paint belying the last minute freshening up of a table and a chair or two.
Scraps of bubble wrap are found with lengths of muddled duck tape, boxes progress down the stairs with colourful stickers announcing ‘girl on the move’, or ‘today is awesome’ …..
You see …… one of my daughters is flying the nest and I feel like I didn’t see it coming.
Of course I knew she had finished high school, and I knew she had a place to study and I knew she wanted to move in with her sister, (which incidentally fills me with joy), but still …. but really ?…. how did it go by so fast?!
I am so happy to see her start her life with such a confident smile, but so sad to see my little girl go.
Where is my blue eyed baby who smiled non stop? Where is the toddler who could charm the socks off total strangers? Where is my little girl with tangles in her hair? What will we do without her divine chocolate cakes (and the divine mess in the kitchen)? Who else will let me share her make up? who else will sit up late with me and watch old movies? Who else will take me shopping? Who shall I ride with in the forest with now? Who will lift me when I feel low …. oh boy……
I don’t believe in dwelling on regrets, I prefer to be happy for the good things … and I am. This daughter has very special gifts that bring me joy, but somehow – foolishly – I thought she’d hang around for always …..
She’s already travelled for a couple of months, but that was different because I knew she would come home. This time the bags are being packed in bigger and more permanent fashion, there is furniture missing from her room, and a gaping hole somewhere inside me too.
How difficult it is to get the balance right in our lives … we want to be dynamic and creative; we want to be good parents; we want to love but not to smother: to nurture but not to suffocate and so we take a step back and leave them room to grow ….. and suddenly they have done just that and we’ve made them so confident and bright that they need to get out into the world and test themselves.
Hey ho … tonight this blogger’s heart is happy but heavy too. I’m sure you know what I mean. Maybe you’d like to tell me how you felt when your chicks flew the nest, maybe you can cheer me. Thank you.
picture via pinterest
71 comments
With each child the experience is different I think. When my older Son left (after University and Marriage to long time girlfriend) I knew I would miss him but he was strong and determined, confident and in control of his future.
My daughter left home 5 years ago to go off to university and then when she had completed her degree went off to work in a distant city.
I have just returned from a “girls weekend” with her. What amazing fun we had! I felt like I was in my 20s again as she whizzed me for one trendy restaurant to the next trendy art exhibition and then to a beautiful country artists retreat! At night we would make the best meals possible with a good glass of wine in her VERY modest apartment and then curl up under the duvet(no heating – too expensive!) and watch a French subtitled DVD(something my husband will never do!)
I have come to realize that these times are probably even more special than the ones we had when she was growing up- we are both adult , energetic and with the same sense of humor.
I know I must do as many of these one one weekends with her as possible before she meets her man, and then I will probably have to take the back seat- but for the moment , I’m loving it!!
Vicky
This is a lovely image Vicki. Thank you!
Xx
You will always have the front seat! You have introduced me to all my favourite things (good food, music, art, wine and the beauty of the outdoors), and the pleasure of all these things is only elevated in your company. Believe me – the sparse apartment, and french movies in mid-winter with no heater is a short-lived novelty without you around! I may have ‘flown the nest’ but you are always able to make any space I am in feel like home x
I think you are right Corinne. This is neither my first nor my last child to fly the nest, but each timd is different
Xx
This is every mothers nightmare
But morning will come!
I am sure she will always remember “there is no place like home” and return to you often to enjoy and create more memories. Bask in the gratitude that you created such a bond between you and your daughter and your girls. Thanks for sharing your heart. It makes me so appreciate vs. fret that I have a very long time until my baby leaves the nest.
Cherish every second Heidi!
Xx
Oh Sharon how I feel your sadness and joy. My beautiful Katherine will leave in a little more than a year and if I’m totally honest, I’m already sad. If I weren’t a continent away I would ride with you… But I know I would be no replacement. Maybe our girls won’t move too far away… Or maybe I’ll get another Belgian Shephard to try and fill the hole. XOXO Sharon at The Lily Home
A Belgian shepherd?! Now there’s a thought!!
Xx
Oh boy! When our youngest, & last at home, decided to spread his wings it too was a fast paced event, too fast to think about all the things “I” would miss until he drove away! I wrote a little book about the scores of things I loved about being with them & in turn, will miss deeply. It helped to write. However, our goal in having children was to raise good citizens of the world that would go out and make a difference and live happy, productive lives! So, for us and you & your husband…
Mission accomplished! Lots of love to you today, ~Jen xo
Well said Jen!
Thank you Jen, love to you and rick too
Xx
Sharon,
Oh my goodness already? I will miss those cakes as well on my next visit.. maybe she will visit then too! Your house is always so full of life and people, I am sure she will be back to enjoy with your wonderful family.
best,
Christina
Beware Christina , the whole thing just snuck up on me!
Hope all is well with you and the family
Xx
ashley left last year + I am still not over it yet! + be gentle with yourself + she will phone often + remember you gave her wings to fly. xxpeggybraswelldesign.com
Thank you Peggy
Xx
Oh, dear…please allow me to tell you that daughters belong to mom…sometimes sons do too, but if you see around, girls are always pending of parents while boys are more of the wife and in-laws…
My prayer is given asking The Lord for your calm.
My best regards from your follower in Mexico.
I recall those feelings well. It will feel better with time and all will fall into place. They do come home to visit and each time will be that much easier for you . We do wonder where those years have gone. It is like a blink of an eye .
All the emotions of when my own flew the nest reoccurred! I know the fluttering in the chest and the deep pain that rises! Now you look through the past to realize your future, even if only to reaffirm your direction! Life: Things change and so have I!
Wait until your first grandchild arrives…then you will know what it is all for and it will be more fulfilling and meaningful than when you had your own! JMO arrived at from past experience!
Sharon–you are feeling all the things I felt when my son left for college 2 years ago. And that is because his sister had left for college 3 years before that. And when she did I foolishly thought everything would be the same–how romantic- But they grow up and if you are lucky (as you are) they are confident and happy and able to take on life’s challenges–and when they can’t–they still call home for whatever it is they need that day–a hug through the phone–a cheerleader– a listener. And you are still their mother, and if you are really lucky, now you can be their friend. I so loved my kids when they were little that I could bite them!! They have become such amazing young adults that I can’t help but be in awe of them. Cindy
I am so happy she will be with her sister. Sisters are so helpful in navigating into independence. A big hug to you.
Madonna
MakeMineLemon
Sharon, you write from your heart and so, while I don’t even know your daughter, I have tears for you. Know that you have done what a mother does- prepared her well- and especially know her mom will always be first in her heart. Always. Regardless where she goes.
When my Minouche left home to go and live in Europe for 2 years, it was on my 50 th birthday. I got up as usuall, with a heavy heart went for my daily walk on the beach with my dog and ” howled” the sobbing was uncontrollable and the feeling was ” here I am, 50 and all alone !…” Feeling very sorry foryself … Then half way thru the beach I stopped, opened my eyes and looked outwards to the beautiful scenery the Pittwater was offering me and had a little talk to myself aloud … I am 50, I am not alone, I am free !!… And I am so lucky that I lovingly brought my daughter up to be 18 and be sufficiently confident to leave Stdney and embark on this 2 years to the other side of the work on her own, this will be the making of her !!!
I came hope happy, happy for her
All it took was a sudden change of outlook in life and a new focus xx
i felt the same way when my daughter left …i missed the chaos ..etc etc
it was a whole month before i walked into her bedroom
then slowly i began finding ‘my place in the world’
its just another ‘phase ‘of your life
may you find peace and embrace it
become the woman you were before motherhood
sending loving thoughts from australia
I am a little bit ahead of you….two SONS 24 and 26………they both live together now!I teared up a lot for along time still do on occasion so i am not much help.It did go fast……just like those little old Italian woman said it would when we lived there in the 90’s!I didn’t believe them as I was so pooped!YOU have your garden and your lovely B&B your antique business, you love to cook, you will be shooting for COTY………….YOU WILL BE OKAY!You will be better then OKAY!Plus, I forgot YOUR BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We are all here too to help lift your spirits!SO, just do a little shout out if the house is too quiet……..CONGRATULATIONS!I guess this was the plan from the GET GO………..raise them to fly the coop!JOB WELL DONE!
Sharon,
As I read your words, it brought me back to that very same stage of life with my daughters. One married and was flying to England. I remember it wasn’t the same as when she had gone away to Nursing School…this was so much more permanent, or so I thought. I stood in her empty room and cried and cried.
When her younger sister decided to travel to Russia to consider working as a teacher there in the embassy, I felt fear, but knew in some dark corner of my heart she would be back. She was. After teaching here in Michigan she announced one Thanksgiving that someone new would be joining us at the table…and, did I tell you mom he is from Australia? Yes, they married and moved to his home country. Again I cried and cried. However, after a year and a half they returned to the U.S.!
I was beginning to think my girls were trying to get as far away from me as they could! Now, both are here in our home state, (and one divorced living back home until she gets on her feet). So while life has many twists and turns, and as a mother it is so hard when our little ones leave the nest….let them fly freely. Who knows, their flight pattern could be bringing them right back. Then you will be asking yourself, like I do sometimes, “What did I do wrong? ”
Wishing you comfort as you ease into this new phase of life.
Sandi O
Hi Sharon ~ I remember lying in bed one night just before my daughter left home and listening to her brushing her teeth in the bathroom, tearing up because I would no longer hear the sounds of her daily routine and share her life in that way. This is one of those oh-so-bittersweet times that tug at our hearts. Warm thoughts coming your way. Barb
Oh dear, it just must be that time of year. :-(. My “baby” just graduated and flew away today, too. My nest is now empty. After 36 years! 36 years of raising children. What will I do now??!! I do have two grandkiddies. Fun, but not the same. I am living the same emotions. Hopeful, but heartbroken. Happy for him, but wondering if I will still be needed. He would watch old movies with me, too! :-/
All of mine have left and to be honest, I don’t think that I will ever get over it. Personally, I think that somehow it is a cruel joke that we put so much into raising them to become happy, healthy, independent adults, and then they leave us! I’m not sure who told them that they could do that! I do get a great deal of solace from telling myself that them leaving is so much better than the alternative – not leaving, or not being able to leave! Do we really want a “child” that can’t negotiate the world in their own? If they are happy, healthy and self-supporting, I guess that we can be pleased with that. Remember, they could have chosen to stay there forever,
To you ALL! I am at the other end…with amazing little ones of 3 and 8. Although my daughter is 8, she is already wise with the world and I watch her with fascination… I can feel 18 creeping closer so much faster than I thought I would!! There is constant pressure to go into full time work however my boy will be in full time school soon enough and when I read things like your post and your readers replies I feel your tremendous love and THANK YOU for giving me the strength to stand my ground, create a little magic for them daily and soak up every moment I can with them. Big hugs and warm wishes ~Amanda x
Good thing this blogger lady has so much going on in her world….besides raising a wonderful family of beautiful, smart children, she has such great taste, talent and beauty.
A full time career that she made for herself so she is not sitting around wondering what to do.
A true wonder woman! You have much to be happy for and proud.
and this lady is YOU!
xo
I know! Exactly everything you wrote and feel, I know. You did a great job and now she is off! This is the way it is when we do a job that turns out to be fabulous! Your girl will be fine, you did your job, breathe, rejoice, and cry when you need to! She’s always in your heart!
Oh Sharon yes I have been through the same thing. That means you did a perfect job raising her. She is strong and confident and ready for the world because of you and she knows you will always be there for her. You will reap many rewards for life long loving and raising her. It will seem really empty but you will find things to fill your time for you now. And you have those wonderful dogs who will love your attention and talking to them. She will be back. Xo
Sharon,
I love this part, “we want to love but not to smother: to nurture but not to suffocate and so we take a step back and leave them room to grow ….. and suddenly they have done just that…” Says it all.
Our daughter is now 33 and on your continent for 4 months. When she is here she lives in another city (Seattle). Not too far, but we don’t see her often. Social media and texting keep us in touch.
I think we are always mothers with that attachment and the place inside that remembers our children as children. Sometimes it’s almost like they’ve replaced those little children when they grow up and they’re different people. I mean, I know she is the same person, but looking at pictures of her as a little girl gives me a surreal disconnect sometimes.
The separation does get easier. At least it did for me. And your other commenters are so right, we DO want them to be self-sufficient!
Thinking of you and wishing you comfort. Take good care of yourself.
Take heart…when the ties that bind are solid, you will see that the relationship will be stronger than ever. The appreciation for all you have given to them in every respect, will
come back to you tenfold……………. 🙂
Sharon, this post has bought me to tears. You have captured an aspect of the fragility and complexity of what is is to be human and more specifically a parent, so eloquently. As a parent of a 21 year old girl who left home and moved interstate to study at 19, I relate very well to your conflicted emotions. I still miss my daughter every day and treasure the times we can spend together. Time moves on as do our lives through the inevitable stages filled with both beauty and heartache. I know your husband, son and the many friends that populate your life with fill a void, and a new type of relationship with your daughter will develop. But closing such a beautiful chapter in life is never easy. Kind regards, Sandra
O Sharon, I felt the same when my children left home. You spend all that time raising your children to be confident and responsible adults, and then they leave! The good news is they do come back to visit and the special moments you have together are priceless.
I am not sure what to tell you…but I know what you are feeling. I had a “moment” when I realized that it would never be the same as it was. For my daughter who is now 34, the first time was just after she graduated from college, which was 30 miles from her home. The second time was when she married a year ago. My son who is two years younger…did not cause those abrupt moments for me. He did graduate college, and he did move off…but he still comes home often. It is not easy to relinquish them to the world. I think it has something to do with being nurturers and they leave. What is our raison d’être now?
Just cry it out. Then wash your face and put on some pretty lipstick! Sheila
Oh dear Sharon, I have to admit I was the opposite, I couldn’t wait for the last of our mob to go! His car hadn’t driven away before I was in his old room ripping it to bits to start the reno! He mentioned the other night he still has the front door key in case he needed to come home but I didn’t have the heart to tell him we’d changed the lock! All will be well, now go & plan what you’re going to do with her old room.
M xx
Sharon, my dear,
I can feel your sadness as your daughter is moving from home. Even though we raised our two children to develop independence, and I knew the day would come when they would leave home, it was still a sad day for me. I still clearly remember leaving our daughter in her room in the university dormitory and driving the nearly five hours home to Seattle; there were intermittent tears all the way home. Now we are proud of the wonderful adults our children have become.
Take good care of yourself and remember – she will come home.
Linda xx
I love reading all the comments. I always knew my two children would go away to college (they were back to back …a year apart in high school) and I tried to prepare myself, but admit it was hard leaving them and saying goodbye…I did send care packages…it was fun for me to gather items and they loved getting things sent from home…it was the fastest five years of my life. After they graduated first our our daughter married and our son moved home for a few months, started a good job, three years later married, they now both have their own families and we’re blessed they live nearby…..it just evolved so wonderfully. I also decided I’d keep active and still try to keep busy. You have so many talents and good things in your life and most importantly your girls no doubt love you for letting them live theirs. Best wishes to you Sharon!
As I read your post and these comments, I’m struck with how such incredible joy AND pain goes with being a mother who adores her children. I suppose the only answer is to focus on the joy.
I know it is heartrending now–I remember that well–but you are on your way to building a new relationship with your daughter. Although I still miss sharing daily life with my two children (each of whom lives across the continent), in many ways I am closer to each of them now than ever. And although neither will live in my home again (barring some emergency), I believe that they will move geographically closer someday. In the meantime, I am rediscovering myself and my husband, loving our life with the dogs, and more fully relishing each time the whole family is together. You have a great deal to look forward to, but allow yourself to feel sad for now. All the best, Leslie
All will be well, she will come home.
Oh Dear Sharon, I must be a dreadful mother, but I felt no tears or remorse when my oldest left home to live in Melbourne and go to University. It is only 3 hours drive away and we go down there enough that I get to see him and his girlfriend often.
They are always happy to be fed, and will greatfully accept tickets to concerts and operas or meals out with us.
Last weekend we took them to a Japanese dinner, then to the Opera, La Traviata which they loved.
I find life so much more enjoyable as a mother of another son at boarding school too. When he comes home at term holidays, I love making him favourite dinners and doing fun things with him and I can ignore the mess and stress of living with him daily.
I don’t have time to miss them, and they only a phone call away anyway.
Life will be different for you without them at home, but you might find the relationship improves even if it was great to begin with! After all they don’t say ‘Life begins when the children leave home and the dog dies” for nothing.
I so very much wanted to read each one of these women talk of children leaving the nest but you’ve been deluged with love & support & it would take a very long time to read it all.
First of all Sharon, it does get better but only in time. I can only add my experience from long ago. The last year of high school with my daughter was a tough & stormy one. No need to get into details but we were both ready for her to fly the coop. She was the first one to leave the nest. We packed her up & by myself I drove her to college which was 10 long hours away. It was hot, you know that drippy humid hot that is just too dreadful to think about. We lugged & lugged till we were both beyond exhaustion or at least till I was.
She was excited, thrilled & couldn’t wait until I left her alone so she could be with her new found friends. The tears were slowly welling up inside me & I could no longer keep them inside. I don’t exactly remember the goodby but for me it was short of the end of all that I knew for 18 years, good & bad. I got in the car & drove 4 sobbing hours on the highway to my mother’s house. I came in the house & sobbed in my mother’s arms & thought I would never be the same again. I had this awful lump in my throat from holding in the emotion for hours & hours. That lump took forever to go away, seriously, an entire month & the reason the lump disappeared was that she finally had started to miss me & the closeness we had together. Then the other shoe dropped & it slowly but ever so slowly got better but only in time.
Fast forward to now, we talk often, & we are closer now & understand more about each other. The good news, it gets better & better as time goes on. I promise to you it truly does. We’ve all pretty much been there. I hope this gives you some comfort in knowing that. Much Love to you dear Sharon, this too shall pass. X
Oh Sharon, there’s a lump in my throat reading your words! My children, a boy and a girl, are in their mid thirties now, but your words immediately bring back the sadness and that hole in my heart that I felt when they first left. My son left at 17 to go to university and leaving him alone in his small unfamiliar room was heartbreaking. But although quiet, he was strong and worked well and grew and is now a wonderful young man with his own home and partner and a good job – and happy. My daughter had a year’s ‘trial’ away living in a flat with a girlfriend. It was only a short drive away and so we could keep in touch and meet regularly (and I could keep a weather-eye on her!), but she returned home for another couple of years, when she then met her lovely man and flew the nest forever. What mixed emotions. So happy for her that she’d found the love of a good person that made her happy but so distraught to know that my job was over, that someone else would listen to her fears and give her the hug at midnight when it all came to a head. Someone else would be the best friend to turn to…. But wait, we are now a few years on, we meet for coffee and shopping still, we now have 2 gorgeous little grandsons with whom they visit and she comes to stay, sometimes on her own for some ‘girlie’ time and sometimes en famille. So Sharon, whilst this is a truly emotional time for you, it’s really just the beginning of the next phase of your relationship with your daughter. She will grow some more and will always remember the time and joy you’ve had together and will want to share her new joys and sorrows with you. But you won’t have the every day involvement. And sometimes that’s a good thing. Time for you to look to your life, to grow little wings of your own and develop your interests in a little more relaxed way. Time for your husband and you to share some precious time together without someone else needing your attention. But this is a fact – you are ALWAYS their mum and even though they become more self-assured, they still need mum’s loving arms to turn to. Just be there waiting, but enjoy the peace in between!!!
Sorry Sharon,. I can’t cheer you up. Someone else will have to do that. I am still crying after reading your blog. Mine have all left home long ago, married and had children. All, thankfully, live close to us but I still think back to their childhood days. Where did the years go?
PS. I am so glad your daughter is moving in with her sister. That’s a blessing.
Regards, Deidre.
Bonjour Sharon
Emotion en lisant ce bel article
Donner aux enfants des racines et des ailes
Roots and wings
Bon courage c’est l’amour d’une mère qui s’exprime
Bonne journée
Frieda au Cameroun
OH MY GOSH. Does this post ever resonate with me….my oldest just left, bought his first apt. it was harder than I thought it would be. My “baby” is leaving for college in August and graduating from high school in a few short weeks and I have a good cry almost daily. Just seeing a baby pictures or looking at his cleats from when he was 8 can send me into a total cry fest…it is not pretty:)
I am DREADING August and doing my very best to keep as busy as possible……it is so difficult and so very bittersweet. As happy as we are that we have taught them well and given them the wings they need to fly, it is very sad to see them go. So much of my day to day energies are spent on my kids/family…I will feel very displaced with them not here. I completely understand your emotions….
I think its important to not try to bury them or put them on the backshelf but instead to face them full frontal….accept that this is part of this journey and very much a normal part of the process in “letting go”. I will need a simliar pep talk in a few months!!! Best of luck to your daughter Sharon.
When my youngest reported six years ago that she would move to her lover to Munich I was so terribly sad,I thought I would lose her for ever. No in that moment of departure when I whispered to the ears of the young gentleman “take care of her from now on” I knew that she would return to the family nest with her family one day.
The day came three years ago and now we are expecting our second grand child.
with love from the blooming Hungarian Plain. Dorka
Oh, Sharon…….
What a lovely posting. Thank you, if for nothing else, for making me recall a song I hadn’t even thought of in at least thirty years.
My avuncular advice to you is to play this and just have yourself a nice cry..just for a little while, before you get back to your own daily life (horses still need to be fed, dogs need to be walked, etcetera). go to:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTL-fwRsEdc
Sincerely,
David Terry
http://www.davidterryart.com
hi Sharon, we share your feelings of excitement and sadness when your children leave home. My son left in Oct 2012 to study in Berlin, and then continued to work there when he was made a job offer and his twin brother left for Lyon for 5 months last year, So in less than a year we were empty nesters! I would go and lie on their beds and shed a few tears as i missed them terribly – but good old skype helped with our regular skypedates! We spent a brief 3 weeks together last Dec as a family and then they were off again. I think the worst place to say goodbye is an airport. Wishing you girl all the best as she enters the next chapter of her life!
Your heart will be steady when on some morning or afternoon you will wake up to a new life feeling your own adventure. That’s all after you wring out towels of tears and exhale volumes of heartache. Its a good process that leaves you shinning like the world after a gentle summer’s rain.
This makes me sad They come into our lives fill us with joy and worry, and rearrange us and the house and every detail and then we adjust to it and realize that they are the most amazing gift and you cant imagine life with out them, and then they go and it will take a while to adjust to them going, another season of your life, a season to reflect back on to your hopes and dreams I guess. You have horses as well and they are always a big help. Good luck to you and to your girls!!
I loved this post AND reading all the replies. My elder daughter starts high school in the fall, and I can’t believe it. My younger daughter is right behind her, too. I am strongly feeling the panic of “we only have a few years left,” and it is hurting my heart. I’ve resolved to make these wonderful years for my daughters and me: years of growing independence, maturity, responsibility, compassion, and strength for them, and years of thinking and planning for my life as it will be once they’ve flown the nest. I want to treasure as many moments as possible!
I fully understand as our five have left the nest, returned for a period, each one, and now are flying. Our relationships are so special with each one and to see them pursue their dreams is so beautiful! I read once the quote, “to be a mother is to always have your heart walking around outside your body!” Such a true statement with a smile! It sounds like you have mothered her well and her dreams are unfolding with your blessings! What a wonderful place for her to be!
Parting is such sweet sorrow :-)…though I do not have a daughter (but always wanted one) I appreciate your feelings, expressed so lovingly and warmly…your role as mother is never finished but you are aware of this great transition…seems like you have done a good job of empowering your girls and you will continue to do just that!
You have done such an excellent job of raising clever, independent children that it seems natural they’d try their wings. But with social media and texting and fast trains, they can return quickly and often — as surely they must to such a beautiful home and location.
Sad days for you, to be sure, but also a time to be happy and proud of a job well done.
My one and only is 33 and is only 2 and a half hours away but I still miss the daily noise and chatter. When she and her husband visit I still have that heart twist when they leave and it is worse when she visits on her own BUT I know she is a happy, level headed, hard working, loved and loving girl who would be here as fast as she could if we needed her. Although they fly the best they never leave your heart. You (and she) will be fine.
Hi Sharon,
I always enjoy reading your blog and can sympathise with your mixed feelings as one of your chicks that you have nurtured and loved leaves the brood- joy and pride that they are ready to make their own way, sadness that you will no longer have them around, and anxiety for their future well-being.
My wonderful and much-loved daughters, 31 and 34 now, first left home to study 1000kms away at university. It felt strange at first and yet liberating as my time became my own, and yet I always looked forward to their coming home for their vacations. Then they graduated and decided to spread their wings even further, both going ( at different times) to experience the buzz and bright lights of London. (I live in South Africa.) Watching as each one went through to board her flight almost broke my heart, and yet they learnt to be more independent and their homecomings became even more special. (No Skype in those days!)
And now one is married, has been living in Sydney for the past 10 years, and has just become a mother to a precious and beautiful little girl. The good news is that she and her family are returning to their homeland, even though they will be living 500kms away. What joy to have them on the same continent after 12 years!
My other daughter is engaged to a lovely Englishman and they are currently living and working in Chamonix. Who knows where their path will lead them, and probably not back to South Africa, but I am happy for my children wherever they are as our love and relationship will never be diminished by distance. They have grown into independent, warm, strong and amazing women, and if by letting them go I have helped in some small way to achieve this, then I am truly rewarded and thankful.
Life is but a succession of stages, and as you become accustomed to this new phase, this too will have its rewards. You have raised your children well, I’m sure, and they will always come back, different but exciting, and you will be even more proud.
Kind regards, Ingrid.
Oh, I know. I know.
Let’s have lunch in Paris and I’ll do everything in my power to cheer you up and tell you how unbelievably wonderful and totally unexpected it is to be the mother of a young woman who was once our little girl.
Love to you toujours,
Tishxoxo
Dear Sharon,
Perk up, I will let you in on a little secret. You NEVER, EVER, EVER, lose a daughter. A son, partially, when he marries. Remember the saying “you are not losing a daughter, you are gaining a son”. It couldn’t be truer.
I am now living with my 42 year old daughter who invited me to share her home after I had breast cancer. If someone would have told me this would happen, I would have said they were delusional. Daughters never leave. Think of this as a stage and wait til they get married and have kids. You will be even closer.
Boys, well let’s just say it is different. I have a 40 year old son I adore but he is now a family man and that is were his focus is. That’s life.
With time the pain will ease and with distance you will get a different perspective of each other. One day she will be a woman and you will begin to relate to her not only as your daughter but as a dear and best friend. Just remember how lucky you are to have not one but two daughters with whom to share the rest of your life.
And after all, Sharon, you have Gibson and Ghetto who I’m sure will keep you busy with mischief you haven’t even thought of!
Dear Sharon, As I read your post I remembered the very same feelings as I had experienced 15 years ago. I now know I was thinking of me…me…me and that is not what it is all about. Mothering to me was natural and I loved every minute but I did not ever want to be in charge of my son’s life and make it my life. My darling son left home (Adelaide) to go to Melbourne to live and finish his studies. We said goodbye at the airport and he took a step or two and turned……..” thanks Mum, for giving me the confidence and desire to choose my future…….you have parented well and I love you for it”. I left knowing I had achieved every Mother’s dream. Never to forget this day. Regards Kate
Oh Sharon, I can feel your heart ache. It’s a physical thing, n’est-ce pas? Change is never easy – something is always lost, even in the best situations, to be replaced with something new which may be better or on par, but never the same.
All of our three children are well established on their own and doing well, but sometimes I long for the times when they would come home after class and we would enjoy a cup of tea and chat together. They still come, but things have changed. It’s all good, but I miss the good of yesteryear as well.
Grieve the loss and embrace the new. There are wonderful days ahead, but for now, acknowledge the ache, don’t suppress it.
After my first daughter graduated from college, she bought her own home 6 months later, but not very far away. My heart ached as I thought she would be around for a couple more years. My son, after graduationg his masters, stayed around for two years until it was evident he needed his own place (voila, a girlfriend!). My youngest went far away for college, came home then off to South America for a year. Then two years away for a master’s, just graduated, and now looking for a job with the new boyfriend.
Definitely gained a son when older daughter got married, but oh the joy with the first much loved and long awaited grandbaby!!! Bliss!!!!! Did lose a son when he married, but that is OK. What iwll happen with the second daughter when she movea away and marries??
Oh, well, we helped them to grow, be on their own, experience their own mistakes and the consequences, learn from them and gain some wisdom. If they learned that from us, they will be successful. We wil help them lick their wounds, if necessary, but they will always be our babies – regardless of how tall they may be!!!!!
Now on to the next generation!
One day my husband commented at the constant visits home during college and afterwards, and said he just did not undertand why they kept coming home. He was excited to leave and never went back after college. I told him they keep coming back because we had such a happy famiy home life, and it was a testament to our parenting that they wished to be with us.
My dear Sharon
I have only been away a couple of days and all this has happened…..!
Please try to be positive, if I were nearer I would take you for cocktails or fizzy something and a good natter…your beautiful girls are together #1 positive, they are in Nice #2 positive, you have your book #3 positive…. lots of great things to be happy for, and that space will soon be filled you will see
They wont be able to stay away for long, I know I don’t, I love home with all my heart and Im 49!!
Much love to you, chin up xx
My son and daughter live in Los Angeles and I live in SC near the coast. They spend more time together now than they ever did as kids and that makes this little momma very happy! Considering I gave them each 1/2 of their chromosomes, I feel like a part of me is still with them and always will be! They are the loves of my life. (I cry when I see their beautifully straightened teeth on skype…and remain choked up the whole time because I can’t kiss their faces.) I miss them every day and always will. You’ll have a mother’s joy. The tears are real!
So sad and wonderful at the same time. My daughter just graduated from high school, but will attend a nearby university. So, she will continue to live at home for awhile. I know it will be sad day when she moves out. My other daughter who has a disability will probably never move out, but that has its own sadness. Thinking of you during this transition.
Dear Sharon
I do know how you’re feeling. I can definitely relate. You see my only child, Kathleen, born in California met a young Australian young men and fell head over heels in love! She now lives in Australia with her husband and 2 year old daughter.
It was difficult to see her board that plane, but that is what we parents must do. Let our children find their way in the world.
I can assure you that she will be so much closer to you then when she was living under your roof.
The box is lovely!
Thank you for your post.
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Lucy