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My third child, a daughter, turned 17 yesterday and had a lovely, happy carefree day…. It inevitably got me thinking about how we watch them grow, and how their generation differs from ours.
As we approached her birthday, she was dropping ‘hints’ about things she “really needs”. Some hints were tucked away safely and acted upon, others were met with a “hmmmm” and put aside to think on (or forget), and some just made me laugh. I mean, really?! can you tell me what a 17 year old, living in the countryside, could possibly do with a pair of Louboutin?!! Yes, you read that right. Not that she expected me to pay proper Louboutin prices, she was convinced she found a site where they were sold cheaper…..
Whatever….. the question is, when is it time to say “yes, you’re right, times have changed, and your generation does need things that we never even dreamt of” and when is it time to say ” NO WAY!! Don’t even think about it!” ?
Of course this doesn’t only apply to gifts and purchases, it is also true for behaviour and boundaries.
As a parent I find myself constantly setting boundaries, and permanently having to judge where they should lie and whether they are flexible. Since my children are quite a strong headed bunch have character (probably not a bad thing in today’s competitive world) I tend to set the boundaries too tight for the first round of negotiations, knowing full well what the reaction will be and thus leaving myself a little room for manoeuvre.
When they were little they soon figured that Papa was a softer touch than Maman. A couple of times I said “No” to a daughter only to hear; “it doesn’t matter we’ll ask daddy, he’ll say yes!”
We have got over that now, but there is so much peer pressure around. What is the right time to come home from friends? How closely do you check on a teenage party in the barn? How high do heels have to be?!
I’m not trying to make my children sound like monsters. They are great kids, well balanced and sociable. I adore them, and I’m proud of them. But raising teenagers is a pretty steep learning curve, and by the time the fourth child gets to 18 I’ll certainly have learnt a lot, and changed a lot too. “Don’t worry, Mummy just needs to grow up” is how I once heard one daughter explain to the other.
Well yes, maybe this Mummy does need to grow up, and most of the time she enjoys the process. But sometimes, just now and again, Mummy doesn’t want to be the rule setter, the figure of authority; now and again she just wants to be c-o-o-l.
Thanks for listening to this, I’m sure you have been through some of the same stuff. Some more extreme, some less. Do you think that the world has changed that much in the past 40 years? Do you see eye to eye on everything with your children? I especially wonder about those amazing parents who home school their children, that must really change the way things work out. Or the families where religious faith is central to everyday life, sometimes a comfort and sometimes an added pressure?
I’d really love to hear what your experiences have been. If you’d like to share, as a parent or as a child, what have you come away with?
37 comments
ohboy, im just waiting for my mom to chime in here (the other HALF of powell brower). we're best friends now but it (strike that, I) was very challenging growing up. All the best 🙂
Bethany
Oh and PS – check out our very first GIVEAWAY at
https://www.powellbrower.com/2012/02/powell-brower-home-maiden-giveaway.html
I don't have a teenager (my son is not quite 12), but I think that things have changed quite a bit since we were teenagers ourselves, especially in terms of technology.
But, I don't think core values have changed – for example I still expect good manners from a child; drinking and smoking is still a no-no for a child; partying until all hours is also still not allowed.
As long as any child lives under my roof (whether they be 11 or 25), it's my house, my rules. If my son doesn't like it, he's free to leave once he turns 18. I don't think I'm any stricter than my parents are, but I know what it was like to be a teenager, and I'm sure I made life miserable for my mother and step-father, so I have that perspective going on – my son will NOT be allowed to do half of the things I was allowed to get away with (or my parents didn't know about).
It's tough being a parent, but I don't think it's any tougher than it was when we were teenagers – just different.
Good luck, Sharon – I can't imagine raising four kids!!!
Having met 50 percent of your brood, I think you're doing brilliantly.
A chat perhaps?
xoxo
As wise parents to successful grown up children once said to me when I asked for the "secret sauce" in their parenting style they said… "it is much easier to lighten up then to tighten up" when it comes to parenting. So I have taken that to heart and like you start conservatively and work my way towards liberalism slowly (depending on the request of course..some things are an easy yes). I also have a teenage daughter announcing that she should have "loub's" as she calls them for graduation…I told her she would have to first be able to walk in them and then pay for them herself. Both probably unrealistic! LOL
Another famous quote is " your children will have many friends but only one Mother". I say that to them a lot when I have to make the unpopular decisions! I am guaranteed by parents who have gone before me that they will appreciate the love and thoughtfulness with intent as they get older. I am keeping my fingers crossed! 🙂
I discovered your blog/musings several months ago and thoroughly enjoy your perspectives. Lovely photo's and sensibility combined with good writing, you do well. That said, teens are a subject unto themselves. While every age and time period presents its own challenges, these years test parents as much as the teens! My sons passed those years with little difficulty, I suppose I was very fortunate in that regard. We are a family of strong core beliefs and family is always first. Integrity of self and respect for each other helped us weather our storms. Now as I look back I see how our world has changed. I do believe today's parents have more to contend with simply because technology has changed how we live, communicate and learn. My older son is now 40 and my dear younger son was 33 when he passed away in November from illness. Those teen years were full of activities, making new friends, travel and fun. Our dear animals provided the children with many valuable lessons of responsibility and love. In closing I suppose what I wish to share is that you do the best you can at the time with the resources available to you. Your children will see you as warm, loving and intelligent. I think that is as good as it gets.
Oh have I been there and back!! The only thing I can say is they need boundaries whether they think so or not. I used to tell my kids that before long they would be grown up and able to make their own decisions. Until then it was my responsibility to make sure I was doing the best I could for them and I didn't take that lightly. Also, my husband and I needed to be on the same page. A united front even though we may disagree in private. This too shall pass!
You sound like my elder daughter Bethany!
thank you kindly, I'm dialling …
I love your post…boy, raising teens is a slippery slope for sure. As a mom I think we always try to FIX everything but when my daughter was in college she told me " I don't need you to fix it mom, I just need you to listen.." This spoke volumes to me, and made me realize after the boundaries are set and we provide them with the best foundation we feel we can at an early age, the rest is up to them… My son is 23 and tells me, "If I hear 'live and learn' one more time, mom….." but we are first and foremost the parent. It is our job to pass on our experiences, even if they are out of date…that's what our parents did! and it made us who we are today. I always thought my daughters involvement with horses, and my son in baseball, kept them humbled and busy and tired! You sound like a great mom…everything is going to turn out fine!
Nancy
https://www.powellbrower.com/2012/02/powell-brower-home-maiden-giveaway.html
I know you're right Emily, but that doesn't make it any easier when you have to take a stand … again!
Hi Corinne, thank you for your kind words, as you say we can only do our best, and maybe that is as good as it gets.
I can feel you. I raised two daughters all alone (lost my high school sweetheart a long time ago.)
All I remember was my loving kind sweet deceased Mom's soft sweet voice in my head during the trying times encouraging me to "Stay loose honey, one day they will grow out of this. Pick your battles, and don't worry too much, they are good girls and have good minds."
I tried to stay calm through the hormonal drama….and to stay firm but willing to listen.
Because it was only me I didn't have the problem of them going to a softer Dad…….but I DID have the problem of trying to find the patience and energy after working a 10 hour day to be a good parent.
I am happy to tell you my girls made good decisions, made good grades, and grew into really amazing adults. They are still obstinate and questioning to things they don't agree upon – which is good they aren't sheep following blindly – and they each more than once have actually apologized for putting me "through hell" is what they said.
To me it wasn't. It was a natural part of growing up and for me, just being a Maman.
You are a great mother – keep it up. I hope we're still blogging in a a few years when you come back to us and tell us she had the "Mom you were so good, thanks for putting up with me" speech. Because it WILL happen, I am certain of it.
Oh, and PS? I think both my girls would love those shoes hahahaha. Bleh aren't they awful? Hahaha. I would live in flip flops all year cept for the snow. It hurts my feet just to LOOK at them online, haha.
Hugs.
I love your blog it is sensitive and caring and yet up to date and fun to read.. bringing up any number of kids is hard whether its one or five as I had.. three boys and two girls… hard years and trying, but the only thing I can pass on, is never lie to them always tell them the truth and also encourage them to think how they would behave if their kids asked them the same questions… that made mine stop and think** We are all flying by the seat of our pants, and generally we manage to come out the other side… taking a stand is showing them love… if you didnt care enough, you would not be taking a stand… good luck, I'm sure they are all going to be people that you will love like and admire!!!!
Louboutins for a 17th birthday…sounds like someone's mama has instilled some taste. It reminds of when I wanted a black gown when I was 18. My father pitched a fit, but my mother (bless her) said I was grown up enough to have a grown-up dress, and I proudly rocked that thing. Perhaps your daughter can do some work to earn those shoes, and that might give her time to consider if that particular style is really what she wants, and also to help her appreciate them more if she gets them.
I had three daughters and a son who lived with me in a large Victorian house in a small hamlet (pop. = 500)in the country.I`m an expert on horsehair plaster and straw insulation. They're in their twenties now but we had our times! Fortunately I had a board certified live-in nanny from Scotland to help out when they were younger so I was lucky. I still wonder about who set the fire that burned down the driving shed in the back.
My teenager turns 19 today. But I have a son so I'm afraid there are days when I feel like I'm dealing with an alien. Apparently I don't remember what it's like to be a teenager, feel peer pressure or what "stuff". And when I point out that I do know how he feels, he hits me with the big one. I'm not a guy so I wouldn't understand. I'm the main disciplinarian in the family but also that one who pays for his "stuff" so I think I should have some say in the matter. At any rate, this year was slightly different. I've been advised to just give him money and he'll get what he needs. Time has definately changed.
Hope your daughter had a wonderful birthday and thanks for making me realize that there are other parents going through the same thing.
Don't worry that much mummy only two more to deal with !
I'm so grateful that my children steered through to adulthood without being arrested, without doing drugs, without a tattoo, without being overcome by alcohol {ok, a couple of tipsy nights with friends didn't hurt them}. They like 'things' – and got that from me. I know that my children, like your Daughter, have desires for material things but appreciate the simple things in our lives.
My Daughter, who is a world class shopper, is a new Mom and we share so much in our relationship as women {including shopping trips}.
I know from reading your posts that your children are grounded by the important things in life because of you, pretty shoes won't change the foundation that you have built. But if it was me……… I'd make it a girls day with lunch out and surprise her by walking into the shoe store to experience her joy as you help her pick out a pair of great shoes.
Sharon, I don't have children and so have found the responses to this post as fascinating as the post itself. But what I do have is an incredible relationship with my Mom. She took me for who I was and formed her way of parenting differently with my Sister and I. She knew that I was smart although an extreme rebel and that it was best to communicate her trust or terribly, her disappointment with me. What an incredible connection she built. Her not saying things at times were as painful as if she had screamed at me. It kept the cursor tight and kept me on path. Later, I saw after moving to NYC in the 80s, that those kids that had been kept on a short leash for all of their youth were the ones that got into the most trouble. I did ok because I had been brought up to think for myself not do what I had been told to do (or just follow what everyone else was doing). And just so you know, I bought my first pair of Pradas (absolutely the Louboutin equivalent at the time) with the money from my first acting job. I earned them. Yep, they were second hand but I was still proud of what I had been able to do.
My daughter is 17 and as I tried to fall asleep last night I was thinking about how much harder 17 is than 7 was. Physical needs are pretty straightforward and the boundary setting easy. Now I'm dealing with difficult boundaries and watching heart break. I'm finding it much more difficult. Boys, betrayal by girlfriends with boy friends, heels, … it's exhausting. And, I guess I'm finding that it isn't so much different from when I was her age. …except she communicates by text while I had a phone glued to my ear.
HI Katherine, the daughter in question just read your comment and …surprise, surprise … she likes you … a lot!!
🙂 xxxxx
exhausting is often the word Annette!
You're so right Heather, disappointment is a dangerous weapon, use with caution
Trust me Sharon, you have boatloads of company. And anyone who says they always see eye to eye with their teenager is full of it, sorry but true! I have 3 kids, two in their 20's and a 16 year old boy. I go through on a daily basis a whole repertoire of decisions, and testing my moral compass as to what is right, whats "too much", what do I need to know and what do I not need to know! Sound famliar? I think these are universal issues….and todays world is FAR different than it was when I was a teenager almost 30 years ago (yikes). I always believe first and foremost in TRUSTING YOUR INSTINCTS. THEY ALMOST NEVER FAIL ME! I cannot tell you how often my kids want to ask me something and they dont' come to the room they text me or "IM" me on the computer! That drives me crazy….we are forever playing tugowar with curfews, where my son can and cannot go, etc……I do tend to be overprotective and make itmy business to know a lot but I do try to balance it by being fair and open minded (within reason). In NY, girls get all kinds of crazy things for their 16tha nd 17th birthday, everything from nose jobs to very expensives shoes and handbags. I personally think its too much but then again life is just very different today. Wish I could click my heels and make them all little again…you know what they say, little kids, little problems, big kids, bigger ones. I am blessed to have great kids but lets face it, parenting is not always easy!
I'm reading your thought-provoking post and thinking to myself, "How wonderful that a 17-year-old even knows what Louboutins are?" – when I was 17 many moons ago, boyfriend jeans, oversized sweaters, and Timberlands were all the rage! My mother would have been so proud if I had only showed a 10th of the sophistication your daughter has. So I would probably buy her the shoes on Ebay (they start at $125!) and have fun watching her teeter around – I wish I had learned to walk in heels a lot earlier so that it would be easier to play dress-up now!
I'm also enjoying reading all of the wise comments posted. The world is a much scarier place than when we were growing up – I've tried to be much more accessable and open with my three boys than my parents were with me so that they can feel they can always come to me – for advice (sometimes), for help (more often) or for an extra hug (every day!).
Happy birthday to your darling and hope you have a great Friday! XO Cynthia
I picked my battles and tried to fight the ones that had the gravest consequences first. Underage drinking happens. Smoking and drugs was a firmly implanted message of Zero tolerance. High heels were always allowed since my daughter only reached 4'11".
Sharon,
As the mother of two now grown daughters, I can only warn you NOT to set a precedent. Once you succumb to that purchase (the Louboutins) you will have set a course very difficult to maintain. Your other girls will be watching and perhaps expecting the same sort of "present" that you may one day have great difficulty continuing. I believe this sort of treat should be one she earns herself through working and earning money to pay for it. That will truly teach the value of money. When I was single and loving fashion I thought of every purchase in terms of furniture, i.e. a pair of Louboutins could easily be at the same cost as a side chair in your home! Not a very smart investment. Believe me, both my girls desired the Louboutins, the Chanel bags, the YSL clutch. It is an uphill battle once you give in! Stay strong, Sharon.
Firstly, happy 17th to your daughter!!
I don't have any children of my own so I've never had to do battle with a teenager, but I do remember being a teenager. If given the choice, I would never re-live that age again. Being a teen is hard work(now and back then). Everything was so "OMG" and nothing seemed settled.
My hat is off to all the mothers and fathers out there who are trying to navigate the teenagers in your lives. Hang in there, things will be all right.
Being a mother is fraught with second-guessing and wondering if the right choice was made. There are so many good models for parenting, reflecting the mores and values of each family. I know that you are intentional about your parenting – like some others here, I'd encourage you to trust your instincts.
Happy Birthday to your daughter. She's lucky to have you as her mom.
Sharon,
I too have a teenager. A boy aged 17, and when I opened your blog I couldn't believe how topical it is for me at this very moment. We have just spent the last 12 month dealing with a boy who is turning into a man ( or he thinks he is ) trying to set boundaries and figuring out what is fair and reasonable is so difficult. As one reader said, I tend to trust my instincts mostly and try to trust my son and his judgment. Always a sensible boy but very creative and artistic and wants the feeling of freedom and independence. The most difficult thing I find is dealing with what other parents allow their children to do.They are not always things I feel comfortable about, is it me not wanting to allow the freedom or them being too relaxed? I feel there are so many dangerous influences in our society today, far more than I think when I was a teenager. perhaps as a teenager you are not aware of the risks? Only this week I have had the parent of a his friend in tears worrying about her daughter and talking about letting go.I think this feels like the most difficult part…… feeling them pull away.
My Mother always said you get back what you give in child rearing. Once they make the separation and feel the independence they come back for the love you showed them in the beginning.
Good luck with your beautiful girl.
Fiona
As I watch my hair become greyer and greyer I am thankful for good wine!
Ah…but Sharon, Mummy is so very very cool….and hip and elegant and beautiful and I am sure your children would agree! You know I am saying it because I know it to be true! Meeting you in person gave me all of those impressions and more. Of course, meeting Miss Ella, confirmed that you are adored by her and I am sure this is true amongst your other children as well. One day, I hope to come along to your Guest Cottage and put the whole picture together. As for raising teenagers…that is another matter! Could not agree more…Mr. H feels it is his role to be the good cop and as he put it…everyone knows mothers are suppose to be the bad cops. We agree to disagree on this one. Like you, I know the joys and trials of raising four children. We love them for their individuality…as a result we get four individual rites of passage thru the teenage years. In my eyes, 13-16 is not a pretty sight…what you get after that is bliss. With my youngest just turning 12, I have a few more years to get thru. One day we will have to reminisce over these years, perhaps in your Guest Cottage… :)xxx
Ooohh…I forgot, Happy Sweet Seventeen to your lovely daughter Sharon..I loved Ella's comment above, spoken like a true daughter. For your gorgeous girl at Seventeen and her beautiful Mummy.. 🙂
https://youtu.be/VMUz2TNMvL0
This is great! We can all relate to this one Lol! My kids/adult childreen are almost 21 and 23. I don't think kids "get it" until they have moved out and are supporting themselves. Daughters will sometimes go to Daddy 😉 if need be. It just seems to happen that way. While they are still being supported by us (in college) and living (part time) at home, they will need to abide by our house rules. I could go on and on with this one! Most kids grow to be productive – healthy adults. This to will pass.
leslie
I chuckled out loud about your wondering how parties were going in your barn .:) I had found that to be such a magical and dreamy scenario that I had literally read your post to my 17 &15 year old sons a while back. They literally thought it sounded amazing for all the kids to have such a spot….and I heartily agreed. Deep down, however, I also know that I am extremely uncomfortable when they have "ladies" over to our finished basement. I will exhale a little when they have made it through high school and exhale a little more after college but I imagine the big exhale will probably be my dying breath 🙂
Happy birthday to a very lucky girl with a mother she can communicate with ( on whatever level!) I raised two boys on my own and came out the other side relatively unscathed?!(I think)
My philosophy in life was to give them strong roots to keep grounded but strong wings to fly with. They are 30 and 28 respectively and while they both think they are the parents of me!! I know they respected my decisions for them. If difficult decisions had to be made I was sure to give my reasons BEFORE the ensuing back comments came. It reduced the head banging considerably but I do think boys are easier to raise. I did used to let them think I had an accounts book which i threatened I was going to balance once they left uni ( worked till they were 10!) But its always a constant mind game keeping one step ahead of them knowing full well they are thinking the same thing! Just laugh and cry together and enjoy the moments They aren't with you forever and its a quiet place when they are gone!